Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Quilting Glossary

A PDF of this post is available for those who would like to share it with quilt groups. Click this link and then click the "Download" button at the top of the resulting page. The PDF will allow you to print the whole post on one sheet of paper, and makes me feel better about having my work attributed to me. Thanks!




For all you newbie quilters out there, I have put together this brief glossary of quilting terms. Please let me know if you find it helpful.


A Quilting Glossary


Appliqué – A method of covering up mistakes. Not foolproof, however, as there is no method for covering up the mistakes made while appliquéing. Beer helps, though.

Backing – The material used for the back of a quilt. If a friend is doing longarm quilting for you, it must be 2 inches bigger than quilt and batting on all sides. If done at a quilt shop, 8 inches.

Batting – What you do with your eyelashes when someone starts complaining about all the fabric you’ve been buying. Warning: may lead to unintended sexual obligations.

Bias – The irrational inclination to believe that holding down a job or cooking some food for once is a more productive use of time than quilting.

Design Wall – What Sheila has. You know—Sheila. Don’s wife. He made it for her. He, apparently, knows how to use the tools in his garage. I get to use an old flannel sheet that looks like the cat yakked on it.

Electric Quilt – What you see after you eat the funny sugar cubes someone gave you at that last Grateful Dead show. Not that I would know.

Fat Quarter – The section of New Orleans where the happy quilters live. Nobody tells them to lay off the potato salad. Also, the name of my future fabric shop/Cajun restaurant.

Flying Geese – Quilt pattern comprised of repeating blocks made from three triangles. Also known as Completely Impossible and Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Fussy Cut – What results when you whine like a big baby because the fat quarter you got at the guild swap isn’t “quilt shop quality” and Tille Henderson pulls a switchblade.

Grain Line – No, not what you stand in to get free Jack Daniels. You’re not funny, you know.

Half Square Triangles – Triangles cut from a square of fabric which, when they are sewn together, miraculously form a trapezoid.

Miter – The cool hat you get to wear when you are elected Bishop of Quilters. No, really. There’s a ceremony every year in the Fat Quarter during Mardi Gras.

Quarter Inch Seam, Accurate – What quilt books and patterns are always harping on, like the world’s gonna end if your seam is a little off.

Quilt Sandwich – Yeah, lettuce and tomato. That’s hilarious. Would you please go somewhere else? Go ask Don to show you how to use a nailgun or something.

Rotary Cutter – An instrument with an extremely sharp, round blade used for dyeing fabric with blood spots. Be sure to have plenty of extra blades on hand as they tend to chip if they hit bone.

Self -Healing Mat – What you sit on while you dial 9-1-1 after hacking off the end of your finger with the rotary cutter.

Selvedge – The part of the fabric that they always say you can’t use, but which just gets hidden in the seam allowance so what’s the big deal?

Squaring Up – The process of making sure that a quilt block, or a quilt, has straight edges and right angles at every corner. Failure to do so will result in a hefty fine and/or jail time, as determined by the longarmer who is holding your quilt hostage.



45 comments:

P. said...

These are all hilarious, but "Fat Quarter" had me almost spurt iced tea out my nose!

Lisa said...

You always make me laugh!!

~Michelle~ said...

oh dear god...well, what a way to start of a Tuesday! :-D

p2w said...

Super as usual!!

shannon said...

ROTFLMAO!

thank you....

shannon

Phyllis said...

You are my new bff!

Karin said...

OMG woman, you are hilarious! My husband has no idea why I laugh when reading a quilt blog, LOL. If only he knew ;)

kheli said...

Love it! Thanks for the laugh! (Fat Quarter -hehehehe!!!)

Baskets Of Quilts said...

I really need to learn to stop reading your posts when I'm at work because I always laugh too much! Thanks for the aftrnoon pick me up!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs!

shadybrooks said...

LOLOLOL!!! Oh my gosh - tooooo funny (and some are too true)!!! Thank you for this "Glossary" :) This list would make a great sign/wall hanging for the sewing room. :)

Sherri said...

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!!!!!!! That is too funny!

Joy said...

This is just fabulous ... I'm going to send this link to my quilting group, they'll LOVE it!!!
Thank you!!!!
Hugs,
Joy :o)

jenclair said...

Hope to visit the Fat Quarter soon, shovel in some potato salad, and maybe see the Bishop in his Miter!

Too funny!

Cherie said...

The self-healing mat made me laugh so hard I cried......I managed to successfully use the rotary cutter to dye red splotches on some nice blue fabric (would have been more dramatic if it had been white, don't you think?) just this past year. Damn that mat just didn't do it's job, though.

Patty said...

You mean these aren't really true??

juanita said...

Who ever thought quilting could be so much fun (and so dangerous!)
Thanks
I needed that
Juanita

Jean said...

Clever and fun to read. Thanks!

Beth said...

Oh thank you! I'm having a bad day, but a friend sent me your link. Now it's better. I've got to add this to my favorites listing.

Littlebook said...

ROTFLOL! Oh my, I am just dying over the Grain Line defintion - especially the "You're not funny you know."

And that Sheila, always getting the good stuff because of Don. Don't mind me while I try to carry on with my cat yakked on flannel sheet.

Gene Black said...

Flying Geese, Selvedge...yep... I think I snorted up part of my nasal septum.

And I always thought I could just use the selvedge to avoid sewing a hem when I made my own shirts. C'mon, why the %^#@ not?

Vicki said...

Awesome. This is so funny.

Molly said...

Laughing fit again--this time my 15 year old son had to come read over my shoulder...

Thanks for another hilarious post!

barncow said...

This is why I love reading your blog. Keep it up!

Chris said...

My kids think I'm crazy cos I cracked up so much after reading that. Keep it up!!

Lynne said...

After reading that, I am going to follow your blog - I have been laughing like a hyena.

Anne-Lise at Rag, Tag, Bobtail said...

Thank you! The day is already brighter. Now I must wipe the coffee off DH's laptop ....

clare's craftroom said...

That is wonderful , thanks so much !

Anne said...

This explains a lot. Thanks!

Barbara said...

These are just too funny. Thanks for the laughs today.

Linda said...

ROFLMAO!! Best definitions I've ever seen! And I had to keep a straight face cause there were serious issues at work this morning and laughing would NOT have been well received! This your next column?
Lurking Linda

Lisa D. said...

I absolutely LOVE your glossary. Amen, Sister!

Stormy Days said...

You forgot wonky, what you tell people you meant to do when those 1/4" seams and squared blocks don't quite work out.

karen said...

kAREN - ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I used to live in in NO and we'd celebrate "Fat Tuesday" and watch the Bishop in his Miter bless the people on Ash Wednesday. Then we'd go to the Fat Quarter to see the sites!! This glossary is hilarious and I'll never use or read any of these things normally again!

Sam said...

You made my day. Thanks

Brenda said...

Hahahahahahahahah!

Traci said...

Meghan, I would love to put these in our quilt show! I would like to put them next to the entry way so that people can pick one up. I would of course give you MUCHO credit!!! Please let me know!

Traci

Megan said...

Traci - you left me no way to contact you directly! Please email me at harperland at mac dot com.

Fran said...

mAbsolutely hysterical! I'd like to make a copy for our local "sit and sew." What do I need to obtain your approval?

Fran said...

Absolutely hysterical, what do I need to do to obtain permission to reprint for our local 'sit and sew'?

Megan said...

You MUST email me directly at harperland at mac dot com in order to obtain permission. I have specific instructions for reprints.

bingo~bonnie said...

this cracks me up!!! I shared a link to this blog post with my friends over at the HGTV Quilter's message board - and I warned them not to be drinking & reading at the same time... AMHIK. :P

Love from Texas!
Bonnie

Karen Joy said...

This was just great. Thank you for the laugh. I had just gotten done mowing the lawn (neighbors were starting to complain) so I was resting as I enjoyed this.

Sarah Craig said...

OMG, I have laughed so hard I can't stop coughing!!! I particularly love the ones about the rotary cutter and the self-healing mat. My husband says he's going to buy me a helmet, because since I keep cutting my fingers with the rotary cutter, I must need something to protect my head too! Thanks for the wonderful belly laugh!!