Friday, April 10, 2009

Because I care. And I'm lazy.

****CONTEST IN NOW CLOSED TO FURTHER ENTRIES. CHECK BACK SUNDAY TO SEE WHO WON*****

I was scrolling through the Craftzine blog a week or two ago and came across a post that was advertising a giveaway of the new Martha Stewart Encyclopedia of Crafts, and since at that particular moment I did not have a small child asking me for the billionth time where her baby hippo was and pulling on my leg to force me to go look for it, I decided to throw my name in the hat - and I won! Well, me and several other people, but still!

I've started carrying around a Blackberry because I get so many emails for work and even if I can't do anything about them right away, it's still better to know that I'm going to have to rewrite an entire 2000-word article in one evening ahead of time. Anyway, since I am fat and cannot wear normal clothes, none of my elastic-waist pants have pockets, so I have to carry said Blackberry tucked into my bra. I have it set to vibrate whenever an email arrives, and this makes my pervert husband unbelievably happy, knowing that I have a random vibrator between my boobs. So when I got the email telling me I won the book, I got all excited and ran in to tell him and the kids. Still holding my Blackberry, I was all, "Guess what? Guess what? I just won a Martha Stewart book!" And there was nothing but crickets until pervert husband looked at the Blackberry still in my hand and suggested that perhaps I needed to put it back in its "happy place" in case I won something else.

So, put your Blackberries in your happy places, folks, 'cause I'm giving away a quilt!

Remember this thing?




It came back from being quilted a week or two ago, and I am still not that happy with it. My sister and I couldn't decide what thread color to use and we settled on a yellow/orange/pink that I thought might look neat contrasted against the deep blue sashing and borders.



It does - and it doesn't. In photographs and from far away, it looks nice, but up close it's just a testament to my lack of skill. Pervert husband's coffee quilt came in at the same time, and I am struggling to get that one bound, so I doubt that this one will ever be high on my list of priorities.

So, I'm gonna let you do it!

Yes, you can be the proud owner of an unfinished piece of crap made by the incompetent hands of the Bitchy Stitcher herself! When friends and family spy your prize, they'll want to know who managed to sew a quilt that looks like an insult, and then they'll back away slowly so as not to get any of it on them. Scare away neighborhood dogs, frighten small children on Halloween, or just wrap your self up in it while crying and drinking. But wait! You'll have to actually pick a binding and sew it on. Do you have what it takes? Will the acid that drips from the alien flesh it is so clearly made from burn through your fingers as you attempt to poke it with a needle? WHO CAN SAY?

But I am not going to make this easy. There are rules and a hurdle you must cross in order to win the coveted piece of crap:

1. First you must comment here at this post.

2. Then you must answer this question:

What is the grammatical error in this sentence: Having placed the poisonous quilt in a lead box, it was mailed to the winner after several years in quarantine.

3. Do not answer the question in the comments. Email me your answer at harperland at mac dot com. If you answer in the comments, I'll have to remove it and you'll be disqualified.

4. You do not have to answer correctly to win; you just have to give an answer. HOWEVER, correct answers will receive an extra entry. (Really. Any answer will do. "Frog semen." "Screw you." "What is 'A stupid thing to make people do do get an ugly quilt?'" I'll take anything.)

5. Only those who have both commented and emailed an answer will qualify.

6. Linking to this post is not required, BUT I will throw your name into the hat an extra time if you do link to it (you have to tell me, though).

7. Deadline for comments and answers is Friday, April 17 at midnight, EST.

8. A winner will be picked at random from qualified entries and announced on Sunday, April 19th.

Good luck! My bra will be anxiously awaiting your emails!

****CONTEST IN NOW CLOSED TO FURTHER ENTRIES. CHECK BACK SUNDAY TO SEE WHO WON*****

82 comments:

floribunda said...

since I used to write a column called "Grandma Grammar" in a company newsletter, you can bet I'll be answering your question!

2ndAvenueStudio-Rachel said...

Yea!A give away! My "losers" get bound and gifted to relatives. Your super generous. If I win that's what I will do, my BIL will love it!:)
Grammer?
What's crackers got to do with anything? Way to point out our shortcomings...I'll be writing you to say "idk".
I have a feeling you know this already.

Jacque. said...

What a fun blog! I ran across this from someone's blog...but you can bet I'll be back. And, a giveaway! What perfect timing!

Linda said...

Oh, oh, oh! I know the answer! Hold on-your boobs will be vibrating any minute now :)

Barbp said...

We must be bleeding sisters. We think the same way...OMG!

connie said...

I really like your quilt. Now I am not very good with grammar but I will send you a guess in your e-mail... And since I just learned how to add a link I will link to your site. I am glad to have found you too. Great Blog I like the way you think and write.

elpf said...

Seriously, that is the most awesome way to enter a contest ever.

Trisha said...

First time to your blog, and I must say...you are hilarious!!

Gezina said...

I love the unfinished quilt. So I will send you an email too.

joanne lendaro said...

Great Quilt!! Love to call it mine! Hope I have the correct answer correct, I'm sending a separate email.

Thanks!!

joanne lendaro @ yahoo.com
(no spaces)

joanne lendaro said...

You are now offically posted on my blog at:

http://splittingstitches.blogspot.com/

Thanks for the fun blog!! Love it!

joanne

GARI said...

As one who couldn't hold her Blackberry between her boobs if she tried, I would like to be in the running for your ugly quilt.

Rhonda P. said...

I think the quilt is great and would be willing to take it and give it a good home. Well, maybe a decent home. OK, I can honestly say I would give it a home. (I like to sew more than clean house!)
I will be sending an email shortly so get ready for the vibrating!

Rhonda P. said...

Just posted about your giveaway on my blog!

Bonnie said...

I would love your quilt.

lesthook said...

Just followed RhondaP's blog and had to become a follower after reading a couple of sentences,LOL!

Gina said...

Please count me in on your giveaway...

the answer to your question is:
Your vibrator will be working overtime!

Gina/UK

Sharon said...

Wow such a pretty quilt..I love the brights. Thanks for the opportunity

Sheila said...

I think the quilt's adorable, but I won't be greedy. I'd love to bind it and donate it to charity for you. It will look totally different after it's washed.

Deb S. said...

I'm another "between-the-boobs" phone stasher. Would LOVE to win your quilt!

Deb
icountxxs @ yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

I love a blog give away! Your husband sounds like a typical male!
LOL

Karen A.

Anya said...

Great giveaway! Count me in!

Meaghan said...

I love your blog - makes me laugh every time! I also love this quilt and would be proud to own and bind it - thank God for all these blogs with tutorials otherwise my binding would just be an insult. Get ready for a jiggle, I'm about to email you!

free indeed said...

This is a first time reader of your blog...what a hoot! I've been missing out! Good thing sewing binding down is my favorite part of the quilting process....:)

Caron said...

What a riot! Love your blog. I will be back!

imagrandma2five said...

I think your quilt is beautiful! If I were to win it I'd certainly take it off your hands! I also linked back to your post from my blog http://grandmachicken.blogspot.com
Love your blog!
Karen

Amy @ Park City Girl said...

Are you serious!? I love stitching down the bindings :) Thanks for sharing

Michelle said...

That sentence is going to make me crazy! I know what's wrong with it, but I know how to fix it, not how to name the problem.

Yvonne said...

Nice giveaway....love your blog. It's my first visit but I'll be back. :)

NanaKaren said...

Hi there! Thanks for the laughs! Love your blog and the humor. Great quilt! I'm posting your link at my blog:

http://nanakarennever2manyquilts.blogspot.com/

Will email you with my answer.

Karen

Mary said...

I love the colors of the quilt. You made me laugh. I once was trying on clothes, and stashed my keys in my bra--couldn't find them for about an hour!

materialjunkie said...

Enjoy reading your blog. You tell it right from the hip. Love it!
I will email my guess also.

Michaela said...

Boy, am I glad i found your blog! I love it! I keep laughing more and more. I am in for the giveaway and I will post about it on my blog today or tomorrow.
I am sending in my guess, keep your Blackberry on!!

Needled Mom said...

Congratulations on your acceptance to Mark's magazine. He always gives me a chuckle.

I think your ugly quilt is quite lovely. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Good luck with your future writings. Hopefully, they will not all be as traumatic.

Leah S said...

I love doing the bindings! Alas, I have no quilts waiting for a binding. Most of them are stuck in the "I need a border" or "I need to be quilted" stage. The bright cheerful colors are right up my alley though! :)

Thearica said...

I have carried my cell in my bra as well! I wonder how many women haven't! :)

Please sign me up for your give away! I have the perfect place for your quilt and noone will think it is ugly! I thought there was something written somewhere that said "There are no ugly quilts" anyway! :)

I emailed you with my guess and also shouted out your give away on my blog with a link!

Thanks for the chance to win a quilt! Good luck everyone!

www.pigtalesandquilts.com

Tozz said...

Wow...I am so excited I came across your blog. Not only for the fantastic giveaway, and its a lovely quilt, but because you are very interesting and funny to read all about your doings. I have linked you to my blog also, and will be coming back to visit quite often. I got a lot of reading to catch up on.

Margaret aka Supermom said...

Buzzzzz, buzzzz..... get that vibrator ready, you'll be getting my email shortly! Quilt is gorgeous-
Margaret
www.quiltsoflove.blogspot.com
msolomo1@maine.rr.com

Helen said...

I'll gladly poke that hideous collection of fabric with a needle for you!

miniaturequilter said...

I think the quilt looks great! It'd make a great quilt for one of my teens! Please enter me into your giveaway.

Nanci said...

I'm going out to get me a blackberry today! I didn't know one could have such fun with it!
Wait till I tell my daughter...She loves the vibrating stuff!
Got your blog from Caron and it's a hoot. Am adding you to favs for sure.

Deana said...

"One man's trash is another man's treasure!" Hope I win!

Cathy said...

I think it is a lovely quilt

pattynubs said...

The quilt is very colorful. I am sure if I had a dog, he would love sleeping on it! (ha ha!) I don't have a blog so no posting of you blog on my blog. Heck, I just bought a digital camera and I barely know how to use it! I did get to your blog from Field Trips in Fiber. I will be e-mailing you with more than likely the wrong answer - Microsoft Word was no help - it did not show that there was a error.

wendylee said...

Your blog always brightens my day and gives me a laugh!

And as a woman who couldn't even carry an iPod nano in her bra, I can't fathom how you're getting a blackberry in there!

beewitchinstitchin said...

I like it and I'm willing to find an ugly binding to match so the quilt itself doesn't feel bad. Pick me, please. I think you did a great job, so there. I'll be sending readers from my blog (seriously, there aren't many so your boobs won't take too much of a beating). Thanks for sharing...Kathy
rky_mtn@hotmail.com

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

I want to win! I like your ugly quilt. I'm going to add you to the side of my blog on my daily reader too!

Chris said...

I personally like your ugly quilt :-)

Chris said...

Oh yes and my email is from Chris@photographsbychris.net :-)

kathy said...

You just want emails for extra happy place stimulation! hehe.

Deb in AZ said...

That quilt is cheerful looking to me, a real spirit lifter (and I don't mean it would raise the dead!)
HA!

Dayna said...

Too much thinking....now back to quilting! Love the quilt even if you don't.

Nettie said...

I'd love a chance to own this quilt. This is the first time I've been to your blog, and I found the link to it at Fieldtrips in Fiber. I'll be back often to keep up with your postings, but I don't maintain a blog myself. At least, not yet.

Annette in Toledo

Nanci said...

Ok, there should be a comma between winner and after, or saying after which it was mailed etc...

Anonymous said...

Love the bright colours. Have just found your blog this morning - will definitely be back.

Maree
mare.dennis@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Oops email address should be
maree.dennis@gmail.com

jen said...

I left a comment and now I can't see it...I emailed you...WTF? So I am commenting again.

I love your blog, still. Thanks for making me laugh so hard I spit milk out my nose...

Quilts And Pieces said...

I can't believe you are giving it away! It is adorable! And me and grammar - ha ha ha ha... good thing the answer doesn't have to be right! I'm a quilter, not an English expert!

Colleen formerly of South Africa said...

Firstly I too have Vibrating Boobage...it all started when we lived in South Africa... in order not to have a second phone stolen from my person. I figured I would be aware of someone stealing my cell phone from there. Enjoyed reading your blog. I will try to come up with an answer for your grammar question.

everythingquilts said...

I have linked to your post on my blog and will be sending email shortly. Now back to read some more. I am a first time visitor but you will be seeing more of me.

highwaycottage said...

Wow, your post is hilarious. I'm not going in the draw, I bet it would cost a bucket load of money to send that quilt down here to New Zealand :-) (actually I really like the quilt).

I'll be back to read again though. We all need a good laugh (and a vibrating blackberry).

Viv

Laurel said...

I just found your blog. So funny. Look for my email so I can win your awful quilt!
Laurel
LSan3333@aol.com
www.laurelsworldinwi.blogspot.com

Love 2 Quilt said...

This sounds like so much fun. I'll leave a message on my blog too.

Quiltmoose - Dagmar said...

Please count me in! The quilt looks great to me and I would love to finish it :))
As for the grammar question I'll try my very best but English isn't my mother tongue...

Anyway I have added a link to this post on the sidebar of my blog.

Dagmar

Dionne said...

I must be a terrible quilter. Perhaps I have really bad vision, but I really don't think it's ugly.

You'll probably get a real hoot over the pics I publish on my blog, now THATS ugly!
Cheers,
Dionne

PS - I've filled all my requirements, so now the only question to ask myslef is...
Am I feelin' lucky? Well, AM I?????

Love 2 Quilt said...

I put you on my blog.

Love 2 Quilt said...

I just figured out what the sentence should say:

Having placed the poisonous quilt in a lead box, it was mailed to Love2Quilt.


Your blog is great and turned me into a regular follower.

ecky said...

thanks for the great giveaway...and for making us think!!

elkesten at yahoo dot com

tisme said...

Such a cool giveaway and what a great way to get us to enter.
I will email you an answer as soon as I write this. lol
I will use it as my own wrap around quilt. My family already think I am a little wierd!!
And I could not put my blackberry in my bra, it would fall out and hit my stomache!!!
Tammy

tisme said...

OMG!!!!! Thanks for making the link so easy! I really suck at doing that.

Lisa said...

Ok here comes the answer...

SueC said...

You have made my day! Your blog has been added to my favorites - I love an honest person. Thanks for the laugh. And YES please put me in the pot for the drawing.
SueC

soggybottomflats said...

omg, what a fun giveaway...and I love to bind quilts. I can't wait to enter, thanks, Elaine

Jean said...

I can't figure out why you would give away such a beautiful quilt. Sign me up!

Lynne said...

The quilt is so beautiful! Thank you for this opportunity.

lynne at fairpoint dot net

jodi said...

Seriously this is way better looking then my ugly quilt. I had to force myself to finish it and still can't bring myself to quilt the thing. It's going in the back of the car to throw on the ground, probaly face down mind you, when we go to concerts in the park or picnics.

Terry said...

I LOVE that quilt! Of course I haven't seen it in person yet but even so! It would look great on my teenage son's bed! Thanks for the giveaway and prepare your boobs for my soon to be incoming email! LOL

Stacie said...

Love the quilt! I think it's a great Happy Quilt and would love to find a great binding to go with it!

I'll be sending you an email with an answer... can't guarantee it'll be right though :)

Love your blog, have it linked on my craft blog.

Carol E. said...

I love that ugly piece of crap! I hope I win it. I think I have one hour to the deadline.. so I'll answer your question but won't post a link at my blog. PIck me, pick me!

Joyce said...

Your quilt is beautiful with all those colors. It sure would brighten up this house. I will answer your question. Thank you for your blog and the way you write on it. It's amazing!
Joyce Barham
barhamjoyce@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

I like your quilt, my daughter would love it. Moreover, I love how you refer to your husband, if mine had a brother I'd think they were related. I'm sending an e-mail with the answer. Thanks!

Donna

Lisa said...

Dang, this was so funny that I'm almost more disappointed at not getting a chance to enter than I am at not getting a chance to win!!