Although I love my gym - love the childcare, love the showers - there are always moments there that make me cringe, that make me almost sorry I showed up that day. On Monday there were two women in the showers at the same time as me, obviously friends, and they were talking about those pesky 5 pounds that they just can't seem to lose. One woman was going to try to do a liquid diet for two weeks, while the other was extolling the virtues of a diet doctor another friend had seen (the upshot appeared to be that he prescribed amphetamines). Of course I took a peek at these obscenely flabby women as they were leaving, and, of course, another 5 pounds off of either of them and they would have slid down the shower drains.
I have probably seen a total of 2 women at the gym who look like me - and, yes, that includes me. I know the point of losing weight is for my health, so that I don't end up diabetic and needing artificial knees like my mother, so that I can play with my girls without getting winded and needing a nap. But I have to admit that a large part of my motivation is also just wanting to fit in again. I hate being the only fat mom at the playground, the only fat woman on the block, the only fat woman in the grocery store (no lie - I look all the time). I hate that what everyone sees when I leave the house is not the way I see myself.
When I look in the mirror, this is what I still expect to see:
or this:
but not this. I don't know who this is:
