Smocking, the Khaleesi, and Awesome Hair

Is "smocking" a noun or a verb, or both? When you are going to sew something in such a way that the end result is smocking, did you smock it? Can you say, "I smocked the living hell outta that fabric" and go on your merry way, confident in your word choices? There is such a thing as a smock. Is it related in any way to smocking? Were smocks once traditionally smocked? And can one be known as a smocker?

These questions all came to mind recently because I was asked to be today's stop on the blog tour for Cheryl Sleboda's new DVD, Heirloom Sewing Techniques for Today's Quilter.

You'll notice there's no "smock" in that title, which I think was a mistake, but I am not here to criticize. I am here to praise and let me start with two extremely important elements of this wonderful DVD:

1. CHERYL'S HAIR

I have a massive crush on this woman's hair. IT'S GLORIOUS. Funky, yet feminine. On a good day, I look like David Lynch. Cheryl looks like a freaking rock star.

Hint: I'm on the left.

2. CHERYL'S MANICURE:

I cannot show you a picture of my nails in comparison because I do have some dignity and have no desire to scare anyone, so let's just say that it's a good thing no one is knocking down my door to have me do a DVD of my sewing techniques because the audience would look at shots like this and go, "Is that chocolate? Oh, god, I really hope that's chocolate."

I felt it best to prepare you for these two aspects of the DVD ahead of your inevitable purchase of it, because you can easily spend the whole time going, "How does she get her hair all those colors? And what is the color of that base coat? I MUST KNOW." Public service, in other words.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me tell you about the DVD. Cheryl teaches you about four basic fabric manipulation techniques: smocking, pleating, pintucking, and gathering (or smocks, pleats, pintucks, and gathers). The smocking is all done by hand, and this is not the kind of smocking you see on little easter dresses at Target. This is like stuff you see on costumes from Game of Thrones, y'all:

Cheryl calls that one "Arrowheads." I call it KHALEESI.

There are several other smocking techniques and they are all extremely cool. They are created by drawing a grid or a series of circles on the back of your fabric, which creates a kind of map for you to follow with hand stitching that draws up the fabric. The different ways the grid or circles are laid out creates different effects with the fabric gathers.

Cheryl also shows you how to use a gathering foot and a pintucking foot on your sewing machine, two things which I had never seen in action before. She also goes over pleating, and the different, dimensional effects that can be produced from a series of pleats. Check out this little sampler quilt made from all the techniques in the DVD:

Pretty cool, huh?

Cheryl has even made a neat tool to speed the grid-drawing process along. It doesn't come with the DVD, but is available in her Etsy shop:

Click here to order.

And THAT little piece of magic, my friends, has the word "smocking" right on it. As all quality products should.

Now, if you want a more concrete testimonial for how good this DVD is, do not despair. Were you despairing? Well, stop. I watched the DVD exactly ONE time, and based on that one viewing, I managed to do this:

Just call me Mother of Dragons, yo.

AND IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR - you get to enter the giveaway! See, there are advantages to putting up with me. Cheryl is giving away one of her smocking templates (not the DVD - sorry!) and I'll sweeten the deal with one of my books. (Even though I know you ALL already own several copies—one to keep by the bed, one for traveling, one to loan, and one for the bathroom—but everybody can always use another one, right? Right?) Just leave a comment here swearing your eternal allegiance to me, Khaleesi, Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, and David Lynch impersonator—or which tells me your favorite TV show. Whichever.

I will leave the giveaway open until midnight EST on Friday, June 20 and I will announce the winner on Saturday.

Here are all the dates and stops for Cheryl's tour. Check 'em out!

June 9 - Susan Brubaker Knapp - http://wwwbluemoonriver.blogspot.com/

June 10 - Maddie Kertay - http://www.badassquilterssociety.com/

June 11 - Faith Jones - http://www.freshlemonsquilts.com/

June 12 - Lynn Krawczyk - http://smudgedtextilesstudio.com/blog/

June 13 - Julie Creus - http://www.latodera.com/blog

June 16 - Catherine Redford - http://catherineredford.com/

June 17 - Megan Dougherty - http://thebitchystitcher.com/

June 18 - Pokey Bolton - http://pokeysponderings.com/

June 19 - Jamie Fingal - http://www.jamiefingaldesigns.com/

June 20 - Cheryl Sleboda - http://muppin.com/wordpress/index.php/blog/

Forty-three down, six or seven hundred to go.

In case you are having writer's block and can't think of what to write on your Laughter Quilt blocks (which you are making, right? RIGHT?), here is a list of what the people who have already sent blocks have written on theirs:

• Minor dukes!
• Monty Python quotes
• Alliterative euphemisms for masturbation
• My friend Megan
• Crazy Snowflakery
• Robot fabric
• Witty one liners
• "You have enough fabric" Ha!
• Extra long meetings that never seem to end
• My dogs
• Steve Carell
• Jim Carey
• The Bitchy Stitcher
• Listening to someone learn a new language
• Farts
• Chevy Chase
• John Cleese
• The tactless truthfulness of my grandchildren
• Dogs that smile
• No empty nest! Fill it with fabric!
• Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another piece of chocolate...
• I love a good meal, so I don't cook. - Maxine
• Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo
• I'm sick of reality! I want a fairy godmother.
• OMFG!
• Fuck twerking! Can your ass cook?
• Y2K Fabrics
• Laurel & Hardy films
• Quilting with my "Quilters by the Lake" friends...always something funny!
• Baby animals at play
• Richard Scarry books make me laugh
• Telling old stories with friends
• Seeing myself in the mirror after a shower
• D.B. Cooper w/Dollie
• "Sparky"
• My grandson saying, "Nana, you are so beautiful!"
• My grandchildren
• "Life"
• What makes me laugh is when someone says or does something totally unexpected!
• Things shaped like penises
• The antics of my pets
• The move "Elf" no matter how many times I've seen it.
• My granddaughter singing "Let It Go" at the top of her 2 yr old lungs! Oh, and sass & snark...

As you can see, there are all kinds of interpretations in there, from names of comedians/comedic actors to actual jokes to completely cryptic things we can only guess at. And yes, there was a little butt kissing too, but we'll overlook it and save those for the Butt Kissing Quilt. I have to say, though this is not a competition, the absolute winner here is "alliterative euphemisms for masturbation." I am very, very tempted to turn that into some sort of a contest, just for the hell of it.

Forty-three blocks is fantastic and I'm so grateful to everyone who has sent them so far. But I still need more - lots more! I'll be posting reminders periodically, and if I come speak at your guild (see my new Lectures page for info) I'll bring instructions for the blocks to pass out to members. I hope this list gives you some inspiration and shows you that ANYTHING is fair game as long as it it something that makes you laugh.

The Laughter Quilt

A lot of stuff has been going on around Chez Megan lately, and I certainly won't bore you with it all, but suffice to say it has involved a lot of introspection, and I know there will be a lot more in the next few months.

Part of that introspection has been to ponder the question: What do I want? What is best for me? The easy answer is chocolate, Dr. Pepper, and the return of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but the harder answer has to do with what I want to do with my life. It might look like I have that all figured out, but I don't.

Things are getting clearer, however. And the thing that is clearest is that I want to keep making people laugh through writing. (KEEP TRYING, I hear you cry. YOU'RE NOT DOING IT TODAY.) I think that's why I was put here.

So, I'm going to ask your help with a little project. I want to make a Laughter Quilt, and I'd like to ask each of you to make a block for it. Don't worry! They're small and easy. Like me. Except for the small part. Or the easy. Ok, large, difficult blocks would be more me, but whatever.

Ostensibly, this is a signature quilt, but each block, besides having a name, will also have something else. I'd like you to write on the block something that makes you laugh. Could be, "my kids." Or, "Eddie Izzard." Or, "dick jokes." I don't care if it's dirty, or strange—but I'm not looking for hundreds of blocks that say, "The Bitchy Stitcher." I don't need my butt kissed. Not now, anyway. The Butt-Kissing Quilt is coming later.

I want to make a quilt that reflects how laughter infuses our lives in different ways. When my brother was dying, we spent our last visit together laughing. When my mother was dying, she was still making jokes from her hospital bed. My kids delight me every day with their oddball, intelligent humor, and my husband cracks me up with his dry wit. I love Louis CK and Lindy West and T.R. Pearson and the list goes on and on and on. Laughter lifts. Laughter heals. Laughter lights the dark and restores the soul. And I'd like to celebrate it.

For your block—should you choose to make one and I hope you do—you will need:

TWO 2.5-inch squares of a nice bright print or solid (both squares must be the same)
and
ONE 3.5-inch square of Kona White (Ok - I would prefer Kona white (that's the Robert Kaufman Kona), but I'll take whatever white you've got. I don't want anybody to not send a block they otherwise would if not for my anal restrctions on color.)

Draw a diagonal line across the back of each 2.5-inch printed/colored  square:

Place the square on your 3.5-inch white square, lining up the sides and corner. Stitch across the line you drew.

Place your second square on top of the white square on the opposite corner and stitch across that line, being careful not to sew over your other square. (Or, you can trim the first square and press open before sewing on the second.)

Trim each corner 1/4-inch from your seam line.

And press your block open.

And there, in that white space, you have lots of room to write what makes you laugh. Please also write your name! And you can make as many of these as you like. Make a few and have your kids or other family members and friends write theirs. The more the merrier - literally! My main request for fabric selection is keep it bright and happy—civil war repros just aren't going to fit in this quilt, so keep the earthy colors for another project, please. (Like, maybe the Butt-Kissing Quilt.) I use Pigma pens to write on fabric—I have also been told that fine point Sharpies work well.

I hope to eventually find someone willing to quilt it with words, possibly the text of something I've written, or maybe a series of classic jokes—I'm not sure yet. Then this quilt will someday travel with me as I visit guilds and other places as a perfect illustration of the power of laughter in quilting and in life.

Please send your blocks to:

Megan Smith (yes that's my legal name and the one on my mailbox)
P.O. Box 1057
Severna Park, MD 21146

EDIT: This P.O. box is no longer good. Please contact me directly for an address if you are sending blocks.

And thank you!!!

Here's your stinkin' badges!

Well, that last post hit a nerve. You know what's funny? I actually wrote that back in August! I had composed it in Word, got distracted, and forgot about it until I was going through folders looking for something else!

Thank you for all the comments and shares! I would linger here and bathe you in the warm glow of my love for you, but I have a magazine to layout by midnight on Thursday, so I will catch up with y'all later. But I did try to make some of the badges you have been clamoring for. You know how to re-size them, yes?

I will be back next week, rested and renewed. Or a walking husk of a once-vibrant woman. One of those.

Traditional neo retro post-industrialist modern punk quilting or TNRPIMPQ

I believe that we are on the verge of a new movement in quilting, a revolution in the way we think about and construct quilts, and this movement is growing, ready to burst forth and take over the quilting world. As a pioneer of this movement, I feel it is necessary to define what this movement is and place all kinds of legal restraints on the name of it so I can start suing anybody who tries to horn in on my completely new and original movement. I also plan to say ”movement” a lot.

I’m talking about, of course, Traditional neo retro post-industrialist modern punk quilting, or TNRPIMPQ for short.

TNRPIMPQ began in the streets of Hoboken and the backyard of a modest rancher in Tuscon. It was essentially a reaction to the reactions to modern quilting which all went, “So what? I’ve been making ‘wonky’ blocks ever since I had that unfortunate power drill injury back in ’92 but no one ever called my quilts a movement.” This made many quilters roll their eyes and reach for the tequila, but others responded by trying to get all academic and shit and this made the tequila drinking eye rollers huddle up in dark corners muttering about wanting to be left alone to quilt in peace.

These eye-rolling, tequila-drinking, huddle-muttering quilters began to slowly organize, though they were still considered an underground movement since none of them got quilts accepted into QuiltCon. And when I say, “organize,” what I mean is, “not give a good goddamn.” Several leaders in the movement briefly considered starting up, at the very least, a Facebook page where quilters could frankly not give a shit together, but then realized that someone would have to make up a rule or two and that this would quickly turn into fascism. The Facebook idea was scrapped, and while some members went back to bitching in private, others kept up a campaign of loud, vocal apathy.

Splinter groups quickly formed as some quilters professed a firm belief in “doing it right” and others espoused a more relaxed philosophy of “if it doesn’t fall apart when you breathe on it, it’s good.” This led to the Great Hissy Fit of 2013, but the many ruffled feathers were smoothed over when it became clear that even American Quilter magazine was being taken over by Kona solids.

Then, in 2014, as more people started to realize that arbitrary rules made up by a very small number of self-appointed people were extremely restrictive and that bitch-slapping each other over the internet about whose quilts followed those rules was rather childish, membership of TNRPIMPQ began to surge, except nobody actually knew they were a member because I hadn’t told them so yet. As of right now I am guessing there are at least 10 or 12 of us, and if that isn’t a movement, I don’t know what is.

In order for a quilt to fall under the aegis of the TNRPIMPQ movement, it must:

-       be made of fabric

-       and thread

-       batting should maybe be in there somewhere too

-       be your own design

-       or someone else’s

-       have a coherent composition

-       or look like it came out of a meat grinder

-       use lots of negative space

-       or lots of positive space

-       or no space whatsoever, if you can wrap your head around that

-       be used on a bed

-       or a couch

-       or a dog crate liner

-       or as a wall hanging

-       or whatever the hell you goddamn want

-       seriously, mop the floor with it if you want, it’s still a quilt

-       be utterly free from any expectation or limitation except what you put on it yourself

And it must, without question, make YOU happy.

But if it also has an octopus on it, then it’s extra-TNRPIMPQ-y. Because I said so.

Movement.


UPDATE: The badges you've been asking for are here.

Time and perfect points are an illusion.

Getting ready for Market is always an education in how different people plan stuff. Some people like to schedule their every move, knowing well in advance exactly where they will be and at what time. Others are all, "You want to meet me at one o'clock? Well, really, what is time, anyway? Isn't it just another word for 'prison'? Let's just let the Market winds blow and our paths will surely cross at the right moment. Also, I can't find my phone."

I like to think that I am somewhere in the middle on this particular spectrum. I definitely like to know the procedures of things: "First you go to the red counter, then you ask for Julio. If Julio isn't there, ask for Wendy, but if Wendy isn't there, you need to throw a large hissy fit until Monique shows up. Then you show your ID and slip Julio, Wendy, or Monique a twenty and a case of scotch, after which you will be able to access the bathroom." But usually the instructions are more like, "Just go in the door marked 'Women' and do your business. What the hell is wrong with you?" THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO IT THAN THAT AND YOU KNOW IT. But I do try to be easy going when I can, and not be a burden on others too much. Like, I always hold the door open when I make other people carry my stuff.

This Market is special because I am sharing a hotel room with my friend Sam. She has become a very dear friend and though we've met in person once, at another Market, this will be the first time we have been able to spend some real time together. Even if my book ends up being burned in a ritual bonfire behind the convention center at the end of the show, the trip will be worth it just to have spent some quality time with her.

And there's lots of other people to see—some I hope to meet for the first time, some I hope to spend a little more time with than I usually get to. Some just to see if all the rumors I hear about them are true. I hope to put my book into some hands, and get my hands on some fabric. I hope to shed my neurotic fear (or at least choke it down) of looking like a cow in photographs and actually take pics with people. Just so you know, if I do take those pics and I post them somewhere - it is not an illusion. I do indeed have a gigantic head.

I will do my best to post stuff on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/quiltingisntfunny) and Instagram (@meganzdougherty) every evening when I get back to my hotel room. If you are going to Market, you can stop by the GenQ booth (#1655 - near the bathrooms; ask for Julio) on Saturday afternoon (One-ish. What IS time, anyway?) and say hello and even get a book signed if you are so inclined. I'm staying at the Omni, so you can also stalk me in the bar, where I will surely be found drunkenly pontificating on the nature of time and space and quilting and stuff.

You need this. You want this.

If you were paying attention during the Endless Book Tour of 2013 and 2014, you will recall my fangirl worship of Cheryl Sleboda. I hope you've also noticed that I don't give my fangirl affections to everyone, and I don't particularly give a shit who's famous now or who's the up-and-coming-cool kid that everyone wants a piece of. When I fall in love with someone's work - whatever that work might be - I do it because that work really speaks to me. Cheryl's work has always spoken to me. It whispers to me in the night and says we need to empty the bank account in order to possess all of it, particularly every underwater invertebrate from this weekly series.

So, Cheryl has got a little bit of an evil streak, which I love, and not long ago, she put an image of a skull she had designed up on Facebook and asked if people might like to see it on a t-shirt. And of course I and all the other Cheryl fangirls fell over each other to scream YES, YES WE WOULD. And when she finally did start selling it as a shirt, I was the first one to place an order.

Squint as you approach. You may be blinded by my neck wrinkles.

I'd really like to see this cool design take off for Cheryl and YOU KNOW YOU WANT ONE. So, here's my deal: the first three people to order a shirt get a copy of my book. Just send me a copy of your receipt as proof of purchase at dontdrinkandquilt (at) gmail (dot) com.. (Doesn't count if you already bought one before today, sorry.) And if you DO buy a shirt, please tell Cheryl when you check out that the crazy fangirl sent you. Go here to purchase and see all the other cool stuff Cheryl sells, and thanks for letting me support one of my favorite artists.