The Applique Chronicles: Diary of a Dumbass

At the beginning of July we will drive to Louisville, KY to visit with my husband's family. Since Louisville is just 3 hours away from Nashville, I am taking the opportunity to escape the in-law onslaught for a few days and head south to see my brother. I was hoping to have something made for him by then, not a whole quilt, but at the very least a pillow, with a motif that would speak of our special bond and the history that ties us together. It was gonna say: FUCK CANCER - MAKE PIE and have a cherry pie applique on it. The only stumbling block: I don't know how to applique. BUT THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED ME BEFORE.

I had found instructions for making this:

and it seemed simple enough. Cut out the shapes. Iron 'em on. Stitch around the edges. Of course, I forgot about the palsy that grips my digits every time I try to cut out something with scissors. (GIRLS! RUN! MOMMY'S TRYING TO FOLLOW A STRAIGHT LINE WITH SHARP BLADES!) Add to that the Steam-a-Seam I decided to use as my fusible web of choice. According to what I gleaned from not reading the directions, you are supposed to trace the shape you want onto one side of paper backing. Which side? Does it matter? APPARENTLY IT DOES. Then, you peel off the other side, place the now exposed sticky side onto the fabric, and cut out along the lines you just drew. Oh, and here's a major point: you're supposed to stick it to the wrong side of the fabric. Really. Trust me on this. I should have had visual aids for that particular goof up, but they are now travelling through the sewers, hopefully on their way to plug up something in the Gulf.

But here's the thing, when you start cutting, the paper that has your oh-so-carefully traced shape on it starts to shift around. So, when you're done cutting, the shape has become something all smeared and distorted, and the webbing is somewhere else entirely, like in your armpit, so you're left trying to mash it all back together and re-cut it. So THEN you suddenly remember from NOT reading the directions, that you have to use a little heat to make it stick before you can actually start cutting. WELL, OF COURSE. ROWENTA TO THE RESCUE.

Only, no. The directions don't say that at all, because then you have just melted the fusible webbing to both the fabric and the paper. Oh, and did you know that irons have heat settings other than REALLY SUPER FUCKING HOT? Me either. I tell you, everyday is an adventure for people like me.

Despite needing stronger meds, I did eventually manage to cut out shapes resembling the ones in the picture. Now, it was time to carefully lay down each piece to recreate the picture. With a sure touch, everything would line up perfectly. Or not, as the scissor seizures took over again:

And of course, I can't choose fabrics well, so there's not the best contrast, and it just kinda looks like I've been scrubbing the toilets with it:

I didn't even bother trying to do any stitching. I have far too much respect for the godless Chinese peasants who made my sewing machine than to insult their labors by shoving this mess under the needle. But apparently I have absolutely no respect for the good old Americans who made my package of Steam-a-Seam. Or whoever made those fabrics. Or you.

NEXT EPISODE: Heat Resistant Mylar Is Neither Heat Resistant Nor...well, okay, it IS mylar, BUT IT STILL SUCKS.