Zen and the Art of Crappy Quilting

Holy crap, y'all. I just stepped out briefly this afternoon to pick up some magnetic closures from JoAnn's for a purse I'm trying to make, and thought I'd peruse the magazine rack as I have been wont to do nearly everyday this past week. And there, tucked away at the very bottom, underneath Knitting Sluts and Scrapbooking For Fun and Weed Money was this:



There were five copies on the rack. I bought them all. Don't ask me what I think I need with 5 copies (one to read in bed, one to keep in the car, one for framing, one to keep out to show guests, and one spare just in case the kids barf on one or something). The woman behind me in the checkout line saw my multiple copies and said, "You must have a quilt in there." I rolled one up and smacked her on the noggin and said, "Published article, baby!" Then I ran around the store going WOOT! WOOT! with my shirt off.

That's how I remember it, anyway. It's all a blur now.

Now, at this point, I feel I have to point out some minor errors in this piece. One is that if you look in the table of contents and see my article, the description of it is actually a blurb for an article from the previous issue.

Once I quit hyperventilating over that, I got to the actual piece (page 42!). Now, Quilter's Home was recently purchased by CK Media, and Mark is now the Executive Editor, and Jan Magee is the Editor-in-Chief. Apparently, the decision had been made to run my article, then the corporate overlords came and raped and pillaged or whatever it is they do, and in the meantime, everyone forgot that they hadn't informed the weird new writer that her piece was being published. So when they finally did, it had already been laid out and was apparently pretty close to the printing process. Only I didn't know this.

When I finally got an email from the new editor, I said, quite innocently, that I wanted my byline to read "Megan Dougherty." My real name is Megan Smith, but I married a Dougherty, and though I have never been bothered to legally change my name, it is the name I have always wanted to use, should I ever be so lucky as to get published. She said she would see if it was still possible, and the matter never came up again.

So my article has this unexpected intro to it written by Mark Lipinski himself, in which he calls me a "kindred quilting spirit" and implies that I am a "snarky, funny, fast-talking broad." My blog address is even there! However, he refers to me as "Megan Smith" and then the byline on the article is "Megan Dougherty."

Deep breathing. Deeeeeeeeeeeep breathing.

There are also a couple odd edits, but for the most part, they left my article intact, and uncut, and for that I am grateful. I am thrilled to have had such a lovely intro from Mark, and I am sure that, with my doctor's help, I can find a combination of drugs that will allow me to stop obsessing about the errors. (CK Media: I'm totally kidding. This is what I do! I kid! Ha ha! Please publish me again.)

In all honesty, though, they could have spelled my name wrong and printed it backwards, and it wouldn't have spoiled the fun.

And the best part? When my kids try to tell me I'm not funny, I can whip out one of my 5 copies and say, "Oh, yeah? PUBLISHED HUMORIST, SWEET CHEEKS."