Let's Kicking!

My oldest daughter, Harper, has been taking tae kwon do lessons for over a year now. She's done violin and a musical theater class and soccer, and tae kwon do is the one thing that has stuck. So far. You never know with kids what thing is going to stick, or even if anything will. Nothing ever stuck with me when I was a kid, but I think some of that was because I felt so much pressure. If I showed an interest in drawing, I was surely going to become AN ARTIST. If I took a tap class, SHE WILL CONQUER THE DANCE WORLD. My parents were always certain that anything I showed an interest in or an aptitude for was going to be my life's calling, so obviously I had no choice but to abandon it and move on to something else. I was too chicken and too uncool to do anything like get stoned in class, so my rebellion took the form of not taking a second gymnastics class!

Devon doesn't like going to Harper's tae kwon do lessons because it's way too loud. There's a lot of yelling in tae kwon do. And Korean pop music. Sometimes, Master Kwon likes to pump up the jams on the stereo to get the kids' energy level up, but even 10 year olds can only take so much Gangnam Style, and so now they tend to roll their eyes instead of collectively trying to do the horsey dance move. Because Devon gets upset by noise, David and I take turns taking Harper to class so one of us can stay home with Dev. She has class on Saturday mornings and Tuesday evenings, and I love going to the Tuesday class because we get to see the end of the previous class, which is the Little Tigers.

Little Tigers are, of course, the wee little ones and they are so stinkin' cute, it just makes your whole face fall off from all the grinning. They're like little wind up toys, just wandering all over the place on their little stiff legs and sounding like they've been sucking on helium balloons. Last week, Master Kwon did some exercise with them where he laid down a series of squares in a path and the kids had to jump from one square to another. The squares were, like, 2 inches apart, and the kids approached each gap like it was a cavernous gorge, pausing before each one and dancing on their little toes until finally making the not-a-leap-just-a-really-big-step to the next one. Meanwhile, the line is piling up behind them and everyone is in danger of pushing the whole group down.

That's the other thing that's fun to watch: they fall over A LOT. Feet are a serious deign flaw in small children. What creature can be expected to remain upright on such round little pudge packets? Kids don't get enough praise for the time they manage to stay upright. Of course, they get a lot of positive feedback from me when they fall down.

When Harper starts her class, I am always amazed at how focused she is. A lot of those kids are really just phoning it in. Why get involved in a sport that involves kicking and punching, if you're going to kick and punch like a weenie? I often wonder how many kids are there just because their parents decided they needed "discipline." Martial arts schools are always touting the benefits of learning karate or judo, like all these hyperactive sugar-tweakers are suddenly going to approach life like a steely-eyed ninja. And really, all the instructors ever do with the hyperactive sugar-tweakers is wish they were in a different class.

The parents all sit in rows of chairs off to the side since we're the audience this is all intended for. Not that we're paying that much attention. Most parents are trying to keep the other kids they have brought with them occupied and quiet. Or at least occupied. Some are just happy with "breathing and not kidnapped and the second is negotiable." Some of the dads actually do pay attention and want little Triscuit or Schooner or whatever they're naming kids now to know that he is doing EVERYTHING WRONG. These are the dads that will eventually say, "This report from your school counselor says you have low self-esteem. What the hell is wrong with you?"

It's when I'm around other parents that I wonder if my kids know just how good they have it with us. We're pretty freakin' laid back around here, most of the time anyway. But then I get around other kids and I realize just how good we have it. I volunteer in my kids' classrooms at school and the first graders are a band of total lunatics. No wonder Devon hates school. I'm supposed to be helping during something called "Workshop" but I can tell that this is just a way for the teacher to split off the insane children and make someone else deal with them for an hour while she does something productive with the calm children. And it's not like my presence accomplishes anything—they know I can't do anything to them, so it's pretty much just an hour of total chaos. I can only imagine being the parent of a kid like that, and I suppose after a while, your only recourse is to just try to impress upon other parents that, despite appearances, you really are a hard-ass disciplinarian. "Quimbly! Stop licking that lady's leg! Do you want me to come over there? Good, because I wan't going to anyway."

I'm just glad that my children occasionally allow me these opportunities to observe other people and other children and not only become more grateful for my own family, but also squeak out a blog post when I have nothing quilty to write about.

Essential Sewing Reference Tool Winner

Random.org told me number 21 was the winner, and that's lisamcgriff who wrote:

If I wrote a book it would probably be about decorating cookies and cakes while trying to potty train a new dog... So I would bribe you with a large batch of the best decorated cookies you have ever eaten, my famous red velvet cake with cream cheese pecan icing (pecans straight from my daddy's pecan orchard) and some time on my sofa holding the sweetest miniature dachshund in the world!

I'll be contacting you shortly via email to get your mailing address. Thanks for playing along, everyone, and remember - I plan to hold you all to those bribes if you ever publish a book. Which many of you should definitely do, because those bribes were sweet!

Quilting Isn't Funny Dots winners

The magic Random Number Generator gave me 27, 10, and 48 so the winners are:

Rebecca Ruch, who said:
Hi, everyone! I'm Beulah Russet, but you can just call me "Bee." Beulah is a silly name. My mother gave it to me. Bless her little heart.

Lisa Schmidt, who said:
Lavina Saffron. I spend my days communing with reptiles looking for my next 'animal inspired' fabric series. Last year I got to know fish.

And Kelly, who said:
My name would be KoKo Aubergine also. But eggplant is not one of my favorite childhood associations. I prefer to go with my stripper name instead. I believe it has a much nicer ring to it. (How do I arrive at that name you may ask? First pet's name and mother's last name.) So, henceforth, my secret quilter name shall be... Drumroll please... Kandy Wiley!

Ladies, look for emails from me asking for your mailing addresses, or if you see this, go ahead and email them to me at dontdrinkandquilt (at) gmail (dot) com.

Thanks, everyone, for having fun with my giveaways. You all are the funniest, most inventive group of blog readers ever. If you didn't win, please consider purchasing a set from Quilt Dots. It's a small business run by a very cool woman and she clearly thinks I'm funny, so that ought to be good enough bona fides for anyone.

I woke up this morning sounding (and, frankly, looking) like Harvey Fierstein, so I'm gonna go curl up on the couch and binge-watch all the Walking Dead I've missed over the last couple of years. If anyone's looking for me, I'm the zombie who's not trying to eat Carl's head.

Book Tour: The Essential Sewing Reference Tool

Hey, lookie here! I got asked to be on a book tour! For the first time ever! (And possibly the last.)

I believe I have mentioned my undying devotion to Carla Hegeman Crim, the Scientific Seamstress (see here and here) because hers was the first clothing pattern I ever tackled that made any sense. Patterns often seem to me to assume you know a lot about garment sewing going in, and it is safe to say that I know exactly bupkis about garment sewing. And as with many things I do not understand, I fear it, but Carla's patterns are great at explaining everything, so the shaking stops and and I can let my therapist get back to other patients.

So, I did that jumpy-up-and-downy thing when Carla announced the title of her next book: The Essential Sewing Reference Tool: All-In-One Visual Guide.

This book is exactly what is says it is: a reference tool. If you come across a pattern that gives instructions for something—say gathers or a french hem—and you aren't getting what to do, this book will tell you. If you need to add interfacing to a bag or a dress and the pattern just says "interfacing," this book will tell you about every single type of interfacing that exists, whether it is fusible or sewn-in, who makes it, and what types of applications it is best used for. Ever gone to buy elastic for a skirt and had no idea which one to get? This book will tell you. Ever had that moment where you are looking at a pattern and it comes in your size and it looks really good on the model but you conveniently forget that the model is not oddly-shaped and she also weighs about as much as your ten-year-old and then when you make the dress and put it on you resemble a large water mammal trapped in a gunny sack?  THIS KINDA HELPS WITH THAT TOO. (Like, with basic pattern altering.)

I love that you can look up table linens in this book and see yardage requirements for different size tablecloths. Or all the different ways there are to sew in a zipper. Or what different types of straight pins are and what they're for. And sewing machine feet! There are so many. Who knew?

This book won't teach you how to sew and there are no projects contained within, but those are not criticisms. There was also no bribery chocolate attached to my e-copy and that damn well IS a criticism. Journalistic integrity demands that I give an honest opinion, but maybe I would have given an even more enthusiastic honest opinion if someone had seen fit to slip mama a little something. We'll never know now, will we?

Seriously though, I was very, very impressed with this book, as I have been with everything Carla has ever done. Excellent work, Carla! And thank you for letting me be a part of your book tour!

Would you like to win a copy? Leave me a comment below telling me what you'd bribe me with to give your book a good review by midnight on Wednesday, March 12 and I'll announce the winner on March 13. A U.S. winner will receive a paperback copy of the book; international will receive an e-copy.

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You still have until Monday to enter the Quilting Isn't Funny Quilt Dots giveaway, so click here to read all about it and enter. And go to Quilt Dots Facebook page and look for the post about my dots to enter to win a copy of my book, Quilting Isn't Funny. (And if you are new here, you can go here to see what Quilting Isn't Funny is all about.)

Quilting Isn't Funny Quilt Dots!

When I published my book, the good folks at Quilt Dots suggested that I do a set of dots to go with the book. (For those of you going, huhwhatnow, go here to read the riveting saga of my original designs for Quilt Dots in pins and magnets.) It took me a while to get all the designs done what with all the life issues happening, but I finally did it. Here is my new collection of Dots inspired by my book:

To celebrate this most auspicious and momentous occasion, Quilt Dots is doing a super sweet giveaway: they will give a set of all six Quilting Isn't Funny magnets, PLUS a black necklace base to THREE lucky, lucky people.

All you have to do is leave a comment—but not just ANY comment, oh, no. YOU MUST WORK FOR YOUR LOOT. Tell me your Fabric Designer name using the handy chart below. And if your name sucks, feel free to fudge it to come up with a better one. I am Magnolia Dandelion, a free-spirited southern belle whose designs are like a lemonade on a hot Louisiana night with a naked werewolf lurking in the cypress knees. Do tell me all about yours, won't you? (And yes, they're all girly. I have to work with the numbers here and even though I know I've got guy readers, the vast majority of you are ladies. So, boys, either embrace your inner Magnolia or make up your own.)

Leave a comment with your fabric designer name to enter, and spread the word on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, etc to get more chances (just come back here and leave another comment telling me so. BE HONEST.) You have all week to enter—contest deadline is midnight EST on Monday, March 10 and I will announce the winners the next day.

And hey - are you wondering what the heck that octopus is about? If you read the book, you'll know—but I also have a thing for eight-armed underwater invertebrates, as my Pinterest followers and various t-shirt makers on Etsy can tell you. And because my Quilt Dots peeps are TOTAL ENABLERS, they have put together a special octo-deal. If you buy any Quilting Isn't Funny set (pins or magnets or bookmarks) between now and March 15th, they'll throw in this limited edition set of octopus pins free! 

AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE. Quilt Dots is also doing a giveaway of my book! Go to their blog to get all the details: (hint: you get to name my octopus!) If you are one of the few lonely, pathetic fools who haven't gotten a copy of what has been hailed as "not the great American novel, but it's a start" by my own personal dad, now is your chance. Oh, and there's the purchasing option, too. Like here. Or here.

Go forth and enter!

Video Killed The Quilting Humorist

After I put up Tuesday's post about my talk, I started thinking about it and wondering if maybe I should look at that video after all. In the last two days, two possibilities have arisen that would give the book a LOT more exposure and one of those possibilities would give me—as in my physical person—more exposure as well. (No, not naked, ya filthy freaks.) The possibility of that second one scared the living crap out of me, but I knew I'd never say no to it. I have to get used to being more public, and there's no way around it if I want to also sell the things I write.

So after everyone went to bed last night, I dug out the video and watched it.

And it was OK.

More than OK, it was a hell of a lot better than I had remembered. People laughed quite a bit more than I had realized. I didn't stutter or stumble on my words as much as I remembered. My neck did do that awful spotty flushing thing, and it's pretty clear now what I mean when I say I am "oddly shaped." But a month later, with a little perspective, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had made it out in my own head to be.

These last couple months have not been easy, and the process of grieving and trying to help my youngest daughter through her own grief took its toll. It has been very easy for me to dismiss myself and do the easy thing of thinking I am not worthy of anyone's attention. I actually started thinking that the next time I write a book, I will just sell it through Amazon under a pseudonym and I'll never have to deal with publicity and marketing and people asking me to come speak at their quilt shops and guild meetings.

In the last few days I have started to see light peeking through all that gloom. I started to get excited about writing again. I started to remember that every great thing I have ever done, I was completely terrified of doing at first. And those things that I kept doing, I got better—even good—at.

Part of my talk was about going on even when you feel like a big failure. After my talk, I felt like I had proven I wasn't cut out for being a "public" person, but when I decided to prove it to myself by looking at the evidence, I realized I was wrong. Sure, I need practice. But I can do this again. Probably. Maybe after today, it won't even be an issue!

So, here it is. Feedback welcome. Kind feedback, I should say. I know there's a long tradition on YouTube of leaving comments that suggest the subject of the video is ugly and should die, but let's try to refrain from that, shall we?

I had to split the video into two parts because YouTube will not accept videos longer than 15 min, and the whole thing was 20. So, if you can spare 20 minutes, I recommend watching the whole thing so you can get to the reading at the end, which is the best part.

Talk talk

Okay, I'm starting to get the trickle of emails and Facebook messages that all say, "Where the hell are you, woman?" Where I am is...right here. Just...here. Things have been, while not awful, not magically wonderful either, and the last month or so has just been a slog.

I did indeed do my lecture at Capital Quilts on February 2, and despite all my assertions and declarations to my husband beforehand, I did not die. I did a lot of copious sweating, there may have been a dry heave or two, and there was a serious case of stress-related and Singapore-noodle-exacerbated heartburn on the way home, but I did make it all the way through without panicking and bolting for the door mid-sentence.

This is what I look like when I am talking in front of people. My arms and hands flap around a lot:

There were a lot more people in the room than I was expecting, but it was still a small crowd. From my perspective, it looked like an endless sea of disapproving faces:

I decided to do a reading from a recent issue of GenQ, since I thought it worked well for reading in a quilt shop. I think that part went the best. And, god, I really need a chin reduction.

Then I signed books. Like 4 or 5. It was not a big seller.

This lady was so sweet and declared herself to be my "stalker."

Afterwards, I grabbed the people I knew and made them eat Chinese food with me. Here are my wonderful lunch companions. Recognize that dude on the right?

That's Mark, the first cover model of the QSMASBC and one of only two people to appear in all three calendars. His lovely wife Ida is a dear and I adore them both. Thanks to both of them for the pictures of me speaking and signing shown above.

And this is Kimberly:

She and I met through a small, secret Facebook group of which we are both members and which is comprised of very smart, hilarious, wonderful women who all curse like sailors and occasionally like to sew stuff. We tend to have long FB conversations about blow jobs and menopause and just about anything else you can think of with candor and humor and a lot of kindness. They may not know it, but they have helped me a lot through the last couple of months.

And she made me this sweet little pouch to hold my vodka and Xanax for the next speaking engagement!

And, oh, look— it's sitting on notes for my talk!

Kimberly and Ida and Mark all drove down to Gaithersburg, MD from Pennsylvania just to see me. It meant a lot for me to have some friendly faces there, and to have people to block the exits.

David took a video of the entire lecture, which is not long since I started talking really fast and skipped a bunch of stuff I had initially prepared because the crowd didn't quite look like they were feelin' it, but I have not watched it. David promised someone it would go on You Tube eventually, but I didn't promise that, and it's in my possession now and I know how to use the delete key. I may save it and put it in some sort of lock box to be opened 100 years after my death. Even then, I'm sure the tattered remains of my corpse will still want to die of embarrassment.

Still, it was fun and I'm glad I did it, but I'm even more glad it's over. Now I have to start getting ready for Quilt Market in Pittsburgh this May. I am hoping to "promote" my book, though I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. I don't have a booth or anything, because even if I could afford a booth or knew how to set one up, they don't let people who have self-published one book have a booth. Still, I do sell it through GenQ, and we may do a book signing at their booth one day, and the rest of the time, when not shooting pics for GenQ, I will be sneaking promo copies into shop owners' tote bags and possibly down the back of David Butler's pants or under Ricky Tims' cowboy hat. If nothing else, I am determined that this will finally be the Market where I get to go to Sample Spree. See, I really only give a shit about the fabric shopping. Personal success is far too stressful.