The Greatest Quilt-Related Advertising Campaign Ever.

Warning: this post has f-bombs and other atrocities. 


Apple's 1984 spot. Wendy's "Where's the beef?" The crazy hot Old Spice dude. Advertising has long been a vehicle for artistry in visual media as well as for cutting edge humor. And crazy hot shirtless guys. But even today, advertising for quilt-related products tends to be pretty dull. There seems to be a tradition of not wanting to rile up quilters too much—I mean, I assume this is why most quilt books read like they are written by the teacher in Ferris Beuller. ("Anyone? Anyone? Voodoo economics.") And sure, we deal with beautiful fabrics and patterns and so some visual interest is bound to occur in an ad without anyone really trying. But as far as I can tell, there have been no truly creative ad campaigns in all the time that I've been quilting.

Except one.

Way back in, oh, 2008 or 2009, one longarm company dared to buck the trend of dull, predictable advertising. One rogue business declared that they and they alone would rise above the dreck and create an ad with story, with drama, with—dare I say? yes, I think I dare—heart. I do not know how the masterminds who dreamed up this magnificence referred to their creation, but I have always thought of this ad as: What The Fuck, Martha?

Behold:

Let's examine this brilliance more closely.

In this top panel, we have your average home sewist (Tiffany, perhaps?) happily stitching away on curtains THAT ARE ATTACHED TO THE CURTAIN ROD. She has just grabbed the nearest fabric and started in on it because that's the kind of guerrilla quilter she is. She doesn't have time to shop, or plan, or even cut fabric, dammit, because when the itch to stitch is upon her she will not be stopped. Sure, she looks calm, even serene, but right now she is a sewing beast and if you try to gently point out that she is acting like a total nutburger, she will cut you. You best just back off and thank the gods she didn't get a look at your new pants before she started in on those curtains.

But, then, this happens.

What the fuck, Martha? Martha has just shown up out of nowhere with a giant longarm setup, and has apparently vandalized Tiffany's curtains by cutting out a star shape that is only vaguely reminiscent of the stars she is quilting on. And Tiffany is all, "Explain this, bitch." And Martha is like, "Well I saw you just grabbing the curtains and stitching on them in a completely random spot and so I just assumed it was Do Inexplicable Shit to Curtains Day." And Tiffany's face gets redder as she responds through clenched teeth, "But I can't fix this, Martha. MY SEWING MACHINE WONT REACH THAT HIGH." And we are left to assume that Martha is either now dead or on the run, because nobody fucks with Tiffany's curtains.

Truly, has any other ad campaign in our quilty little world even come close to matching this one for sheer entertainment value? Did they hire an ad agency for this? Because there is so much about this that screams "I have no idea what quilters actually do so Imma take a guess." But then somebody at the longarm company had to look at this campaign proposal and approve it. Someone high up in the ranks kicked his feet up on a desk, tented his fingers under his chin, and considered the tale of Tiffany and Martha until he finally leapt to his feet and shouted, "YES. This accurately represents our product AND our brand! Now, bring me brandy for my snifter and a pretty secretary for my lap" Both of those people, whoever they are, are geniuses in my eyes.

And to this longarm company, I plead: Bring back Tiffany and Martha. The world of quilt product advertising today is a barren wasteland, devoid of the kind of head-scratchingly awesome storytelling you managed in one beautiful print ad so many years ago. Bring them back and continue their utterly nonsensical tale. Do it for the quilters. We need you.

And maybe add in a couple crazy hot shirtless dudes. That often works too.

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Please remember, The Bitchy Stitcher is my personal blog and also the place where I experiment with quilty humor pieces. If you have signed up for getting posts by email, you will get exactly that: posts via email. As of right now, I do not send out newsletters. If you don't like my posts, that's perfectly fine and understandable. But please either stop reading, or unsubscribe from the emails (there's a handy link for that at the bottom of each email). Lecturing me doesn't work, and threatening to unsubscribe just means I will go ahead and do it for you.

Antonio

If you have come here for or because of the Back to School Blog Hop, you should entirely skip this post and scroll down to the next one. Seriously, don't even linger on this one. We get up to shenanigans around here and this post is pretty dang shenaniganny. Or just click here and go right to the non-offensive stuff without having to get an accidental glimpse of the shenanigans.

Hello, sewing lovers. I am Antonio, your hot and sexy fusible interfacing sales representative. I am extra hot because I am from a European country where we find older women who are a little chunky around the middle extremely alluring. Which country, you ask? Does it really matter, darling, as long as I have the funky rrrr’s to prove it?

Please allow me to tell you a little bit about our newest fusible interfacing product. We like to call it…Steamy. Steamy is a silky soft interfacing ideal for quilting and appliqué—here, would you like to stroke it? Come on, don’t be shy. Let me just lay it across my thigh and you can feel it’s remarkable patented softness. Incredible, no? And how do you feel about the interfacing? Oh, that is just my little joke. I am European and we are very friendly, you understand. In my country, touching a man’s thigh is a gesture of goodwill and respect. But do not touch my elbow. It doesn’t mean anything; I just don’t like it.

If Steamy does not bring you the ultimate in fusible pleasure, may I recommend one of our other fine products such as Slinky, the featherweight fusible with a lighter hold. Or, perhaps my personal favorite, Stiffy. Stiffy is perfect for more, shall we say, vigorous applications. A firm hand and a hot iron are all you need to keep Stiffy under control. Stiffy was developed with the adventurous sewist in mind. How about you, darling? Are you adventurous? Would you like to hold my Stiffy? Please, watch the elbow.

In fact, the wonderful (and beautiful, of course) ladies in our testing department have come up with a fantastic project that uses all three interfacing products—a trio, a…what is the word I am looking for? Group? No, that is not quite right. No matter. Still, you must imagine a wonderful party of Steamy, Slinky, and Stiffy all coming together in a magnificent crescendo of creativity. No one goes home from this party unsatisfied, that I can assure you. Because we make excellent fusible products.

Now, we have a very exciting opportunity for you! As you can see over here we have a large bed where we have scattered many packages of fusible interfacing. Isn’t that amusing? Many of our customers love to take a picture with me, Antonio, your hot and sexy fusible interfacing representative, so let us make it a photo to treasure forever. Here, I will drape myself artfully across the bed and the fusible interfacing products and you may come lie beside me to gaze into my deep brown eyes as our staff photographer captures the moment on film. Well, on a digital SD card, but it is all the same. There now, are you comfortable? Let me put my arms around you—don’t touch my elbow. Ah, darling, you are so lovely. How many pieces would you like to order? We take all major credit cards. And, of course, cash.

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Please remember, The Bitchy Stitcher is my personal blog and also the place where I experiment with quilty humor pieces. If you have signed up for getting posts by email, you will get exactly that: posts via email. As of right now, I do not send out newsletters. If you don't like my posts, that's perfectly fine and understandable. But please either stop reading, or unsubscribe from the emails (there's a handy link for that at the bottom of each email). Lecturing me doesn't work, and threatening to unsubscribe just means I will go ahead and do it for you.

Make A Statement

Note: I sat on this piece for months because I was, frankly, scared of how it would be received. This is NOT intended to make fun of artists, art quilters, or the work of Kathy Nida. This piece is what I imagine those who find the work of artists like Nida offensive think when they imagine what an art quilter does. I have a very low tolerance for those who are immediately and automatically offended by depictions of the human body. I also have a low tolerance for those who dismiss or denigrate art because it makes them uncomfortable, and for those who assume that an artist is just tossing off shocking things to get attention. I suppose the point would have been more easily made had I written this from the perspective of one of those people, but that was not as interesting as trying to do it this way. 


I took a risk by posting this. I have probably failed in what I was trying to express. But lately I've been reading another humorist who often has the same problem, and he keeps going anyway, so I guess I will too.


And just so you know, I DO know the difference between the vagina and the vulva. However, for the purposes of this piece, it was better—and, I admit, funnier—to use "vagina." Despite the inaccuracy, in the common vernacular, most people tend to use the term "vagina" as an all-inclusive term for female gentialia, inner and outer. Therefore, to me it made more sense to use "vagina." It was a conscious choice, not a mistake.




 Sure, you may be the prince of patchwork and the queen of free-motion quilting, but if you’re starting to feel that unmistakable sense of ennui after finishing your latest quilt then you need to break free from your bias bindings and start experimenting in the world of art quilts! Anybody can whip out a nice soft blankie to snuggle up under, but you can’t be satisfied with mere comfort quilts. No, you need to make a statement, and despite what your mom says, you can indeed make a statement through quilting. Here are some statements you might consider making with your first art quilt:

- I have a vagina and I LOVE IT.
- Homelessness is bad, racism is wrong, and this vagina will help you see that.
- Some women living under oppressive regimes have no vaginas.
- Global warming is killing our environment. Plus: vagina!

Don’t be afraid to dive into the art quilt pool even if you have no formal training. Talent and skill are no barriers to the art world, and as you’ll see, you don’t even need a sewing machine to create stunning pieces that will be the talk of your next guild show. And remember, if someone says your quilt is the most offensive thing they’ve ever seen and you should be ashamed of yourself because, for goodness sakes, there are children here—then you’re doing something right!

Here are just a few ways you can shake up your stitchery and topple the patriarchy through art quilting:

- Found object quilting. Get out of your fabric rut and discover new media by rooting through a trash bin or walking through a condemned building. Greasy take-out containers, flattened soda cans, and used syringes will add lots of color and texture to your quilts and wadded up plastic shopping bags make great vaginas!

- Deconstructive quilting. Show your contempt for the trite and mundane by taking a traditional quilt and thrashing the living daylights out of it. Beat it with large rocks. Spit on it. Tromp on it with muddy hiking boots, then give it to an untrained Labrador puppy. Finally, tie it to the bumper of your car and do some doughnuts in the gravel parking lot of a seedy strip club. And when you hang its shredded carcass on the wall, give it a vibrant and thought-provoking title, such as Check Out This Vibrant and Thought-Provoking Vagina.

- Performance quilting. Who says an art quilt has to be a static piece chained to a wall? Bring new life into your art quilts by becoming a part of the art yourself. Stand on a busy street corner (naked, of course) holding a rotary cutter and an uncooked Cornish game hen as a statement about farm subsidies. Or, hanging upside-down inside an abandoned warehouse (naked), chant the lyrics to “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” in a deep monotone while waving large quilt blocks in semaphore signals. And, for the ladies, the best part of performance art? Built-in vaginas!

However you decide to make your statement, be prepared to suffer your share of ignorance and intolerance. Most people are frightened of art that challenges and stimulates the mind and it is your responsibility as an artist to show them vaginas anyway. Ignore all those naysayers who claim you’re just being shocking in order to get attention. If all you wanted was attention, you’d be quilting penises instead.

Quilter's Apps - reviewed by my mom

A few months ago my husband and I got iPads. this was the result of a bonus he had received from work, which was given to him with the instruction to "do something fun with it." I don't know why, but neither of us seemed to feel that paying bills was much fun, and we are Apple gadget geeks. We've had just about everything that fool company produces, even the stupid stuff that nobody remembers anymore. Apple could put out some kind of iToaster or iEarWaxRemover and we'd be trying to figure out how to get cash out of the 401K to get it.

I already had an iPod Touch (naturally), and so had delved into the world of quilting apps just a bit. But I really got going when I got my iPad, but there were so many to choose from, and, being the busy, on-the-go mom and writer that I am, I just didn't have time to go through them all and look at the reviews and decide which ones would work well for me. So, I asked my own personal mom* to help out by testing the top ten quilter's apps and giving me her honest opinion on whether I should buy them. Thanks, Mom!


1. Quilter’s Excuses
Category: Anti-productivity

You know how uncomfortable it is when the head of one of the umpteen committees at your quilt guild gets up in front of the room to shame everyone into participating in something for once in their damn lives? Have you run out of creative and believable excuses for getting out of, say, organizing the library or bribing the community center security guard so no one gets booted for sneaking in Schnapps and beer? This handy app generates a random excuse guaranteed to keep even the most determined committee organizer from roping you into something boring.

Should I buy it? Yes, but if you tell anyone I said so I’ll deny it.

2. Does This Fabric Combo Suck?
Category: Self-Help

This app is for all those nervous Nellies who can’t bear to come up with their own fabric choices for their quilts. If you are utterly dependent on your LQS to have exactly the same fabrics that are displayed in the sample quilt and are tired of people trying to explain the color wheel to you, look no further. Simply take a photo of two or more fabrics and the app will tell you whether they look totally stupid together.

Should I buy it? Absolutely. If it prevents even one person from hogging the cutting table while fretting over eighteen bolts of fabric, trying to pick the one that could replace the only Moda fabric the store doesn’t have in stock, it will have done its job admirably. And yes, I’m talking about you, dear.

3. Quilt Humor Finder
Category: Entertainment

Love to quilt? Love to laugh? This handy app brings all the best quilting-related humor from print and the web together to keep you in stitches!

Should I buy it? Good heavens, no. For one thing, there is no such thing as “quilt-related humor,” and if there were I wouldn’t read it. Quilting is very, very serious and is only practiced by people of high morals and sterling character. Like politicians and teen pop stars.

4. Wonky Blocks
Category: How-To

“Wonky” blocks are all the rage in quilting today: wonky log cabins, wonky stars, wonky geese—even wonky Drunkard’s Path! With videos and step-by-step instructions, this app teaches you how to put the “wonk” in your stitch and churn out bizarre blocks that’ll have your bee buzzing with envy!

Should I buy it? Sure, if you’ve got a spare buck ninety-nine lying around that you just don’t know what to do with. But if you ask me, all you need to make your blocks “wonky” is a box of wine and a blindfold.

5. LQS Locator
Category: Travel

No matter where you are in the country, now you can find all the nearest quilt shops and get maps and driving directions, links to websites, and even special coupons from participating shops!

Should I buy it? Are they trying to suggest that there are actually some quilters out there who cannot track down a quilt shop by scent alone? I once found a quilt shop by closing my eyes and listening for the unmistakable sound of drool dripping on cotton. I suppose this is meant for new quilters who haven’t yet learned to pull into the nearest strip mall as soon as they get that "special tingle." What are you giggling about? The tingle is in your fingers. For heaven's sake.

6. Quilt Porn
Category: Art and Photography

A compendium of all the best quilt photography on the web.

Should I buy it? Call me old fashioned, but in my day, the word “porn” meant something your husband hid under the mattress, not a bunch of pictures of quilts. It’s not that I’m disappointed it doesn’t involve naked people doing things I’ve never even heard of much less done, but I do worry that someone might call the Better Business Bureau about false advertising.

7. The Kama Sutra of Quilting
Category: Entertainment

Put some spice back in your quilting life with hundreds of positions based upon your favorite quilting blocks! Start with the Bow Tie, then try the Churn Dash. Work your way up to more advanced positions such as Irish Chain and Road to California. And now you can share your progress on Twitter and Facebook!

Should I buy it? Well, now I know what all those strange Facebook posts from Helen were all about. Apparently she did the Double Pinwheel this morning and gave it five out of five stars. That’s more than I really wanted to know about Helen, but I suppose this could be fun for quilters who still have both their original hips and husbands who can be pried away from the TV once in a while.

8. Angry Quilters
Category: Games

The survival of the Angry Quilters is at stake. A group of renegade knitters has invaded the Quilt Shop and taken over the classroom with their stupid string and dumb old pointy sticks. Use the unique destructive powers of the Angry Quilters to destroy the knitters’ forts and return the Quilt Shop to its rightful owners. Each of the 987 levels requires logic, skill, and the stone cold badassery that can only come from years of hardcore quiltmaking.

Should I buy it? Die! Die, you stupid bitch. What? Leave me alone; I’m almost through level 257. Stop looking over my shoulder. Oh, now, SEE WHAT YOU DID? Do you WANT me to stab you with my seam ripper? No? Then leave me alone until I finish this level. God. Kids.

9. Quilt Ninja
Category: Games

Enjoy hours of slicing and dicing fiber fun. Slash through gorgeous quilts you could never in a million years piece much less quilt in I'm A Jealous Bitch mode, or upload your own hideous creations in Why Couldn't I Pick Up A Nice Easy Hobby Like Flower Arranging or Scrapbooking mode. And now, you can work to unlock the special Vaginas Don't Belong On Quilts mode, where you can slash and destroy those so-called "art" quilts that claim to be making a statement about homelessness or farm subsidies, but are really just an excuse to put a vagina on a quilt. (Also available in Penis and Twilight.)

Should I buy it? Well, I'm certainly for anything that lets me pretend to take a blade to one of those nasty, nudie quilts like the ones Aurora Blankenship is always trying to put in the local quilt shows.  She's such a bitch when I do it for real and your dad said next time he wasn't going to post bail.

10. Quilter's Calculator
Category: Arts and Crafts

Sure any old quilter's app can calculate how many yards of backing fabric you need, but can they also tell you how many shots of tequila you'll need to finish that Cathedral Windows project? How long does it take for the seizures to subside after putting together one of those no-contrast, mongo-print "modern" patterns that quilt magazines keep barfing out? How many times can you email pictures of your boobs to Ricky Tims before he files a restraining order? This is a real world calculator for real world quilters!

Should I buy it? If it can tell me how many times a woman of a certain age can do the Double Pinwheel before she has to stop to take an extra hit of blood pressure medication, then yes. 




*You all know this isn't really my mom, right? And that these aren't real apps? Just checking.

The Bitchy Stitcher's Top 10 Quilting Tips

Since I am a marginally famous quilt writer (I am less famous than your local TV news weatherman, but more famous than the Justin Bieber cover band that’s playing at that dive bar off the interstate where you hooked up with that sailor one time), people are always emailing me, asking for quilting advice. And not even specific quilting advice, something I could perhaps go look up in a book and then pass off as my own. No, it’s all vague, like “Do you have any tips for a newbie quilter?” And that’s when I say, “Why, yes! Click here!”

Clearly, that’s not endearing me to anyone (especially my dad, who I think has finally given up on reading this. Took you long enough, Dad). And then today I picked up the new issue of American Patchwork and Quilting, one of my favorite quilting mags. And oh, joy of joys, it was their annual “101 Top Tips: Experts Share Their Secrets” issue. Sprinkled amongst the patterns and articles are various helpful hints from almost nobody I’ve ever heard of. But they are clearly more famous than me, because they’re getting their quilting advice printed up in a magazine, with their pictures and everything. And while most of the advice is actually quite good, some of it is just BRILLIANT. Like, “Relax and enjoy it.” That’s a tip? Did you get paid for that? That’s what I tell my husband when I get out the handcuffs, but nobody forks over a twenty.

So I’ve decided to stop being such a tip hog and share with you, my seven or eight loyal readers, my very own Top Quilting Tips. Yes, I have scoured the recesses of my brain and come up with those little tricks and techniques that make my quilting so uniquely my own. Instead of yours, or that guy’s over there.

The Bitchy Stitcher’s Top 10 Quilting Tips

1. Try to use both fabric and thread for your quilting projects. You’ll find they come together much easier and you won’t run out of staples so fast.

2. When free motion quilting, ignore the oft-heard advice to have a glass of wine to loosen you up before you start. Valium’s way better.

3. Do not attempt to rotary cut while drunk, stoned, sleeping, playing Wii games, or having sex with large, redheaded Scotsmen. You can rotary cut while having sex with small, normal-haired Americans since it’ll be over pretty quick anyway.

4. Do not curse, flip off, threaten, insult, or otherwise taunt your sewing machine. Not because anything bad will happen; it just makes you look like a douche.

5. Always use a firm, flat surface when fusing appliqué pieces. But if that doesn’t work for you, try ironing on a series of spiked, rotating cubes or the back of a panicked hedgehog.

6. Some people get inspiration from nature, from cityscapes, from the laughter of a small child. I spin around really, really fast until I fall down and whack my head on something.

7. Don’t worry about Cheeto crumbs, chocolate smears, blood spots, or red wine stains. Just add some more, call it an “art quilt,” and tell everyone it’s a statement about child labor or vaginas. Then sit back and watch the show ribbons roll in!

8. Store absolutely everything in empty cardboard tubes from toilet paper and paper towels. Yes, even your sewing machine. You figure it out.

9. For machine appliqué that looks like hand stitching, simply pull a length of thread off the machine spool and thread it through a separate needle. Then get your mom to do it.

10. Relax and enjoy it. It won’t hurt at all. You can trust me, baby. Now where’s my twenty?

A Quilting Glossary

A PDF of this post is available for those who would like to share it with quilt groups. Click this link and then click the "Download" button at the top of the resulting page. The PDF will allow you to print the whole post on one sheet of paper, and makes me feel better about having my work attributed to me. Thanks!




For all you newbie quilters out there, I have put together this brief glossary of quilting terms. Please let me know if you find it helpful.


A Quilting Glossary

Appliqué – A method of covering up mistakes. Not foolproof, however, as there is no method for covering up the mistakes made while appliquéing. Beer helps, though.

Backing – The material used for the back of a quilt. If a friend is doing longarm quilting for you, it must be 2 inches bigger than quilt and batting on all sides. If done at a quilt shop, 8 inches.

Batting – What you do with your eyelashes when someone starts complaining about all the fabric you’ve been buying. Warning: may lead to unintended sexual obligations.

Bias – The irrational inclination to believe that holding down a job or cooking some food for once is a more productive use of time than quilting.

Design Wall – What Sheila has. You know—Sheila. Don’s wife. He made it for her. He, apparently, knows how to use the tools in his garage. I get to use an old flannel sheet that looks like the cat yakked on it.

Electric Quilt – What you see after you eat the funny sugar cubes someone gave you at that last Grateful Dead show. Not that I would know.

Fat Quarter – The section of New Orleans where the happy quilters live. Nobody tells them to lay off the potato salad. Also, the name of my future fabric shop/Cajun restaurant.

Flying Geese – Quilt pattern comprised of repeating blocks made from three triangles. Also known as Completely Impossible and Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Fussy Cut – What results when you whine like a big baby because the fat quarter you got at the guild swap isn’t “quilt shop quality” and Tille Henderson pulls a switchblade.

Grain Line – No, not what you stand in to get free Jack Daniels. You’re not funny, you know.

Half Square Triangles – Triangles cut from a square of fabric which, when they are sewn together, miraculously form a trapezoid.

Miter – The cool hat you get to wear when you are elected Bishop of Quilters. No, really. There’s a ceremony every year in the Fat Quarter during Mardi Gras.

Quarter Inch Seam, Accurate – What quilt books and patterns are always harping on, like the world’s gonna end if your seam is a little off.

Quilt Sandwich – Yeah, lettuce and tomato. That’s hilarious. Would you please go somewhere else? Go ask Don to show you how to use a nailgun or something.

Rotary Cutter – An instrument with an extremely sharp, round blade used for dyeing fabric with blood spots. Be sure to have plenty of extra blades on hand as they tend to chip if they hit bone.

Self -Healing Mat – What you sit on while you dial 9-1-1 after hacking off the end of your finger with the rotary cutter.

Selvedge – The part of the fabric that they always say you can’t use, but which just gets hidden in the seam allowance so what’s the big deal?

Squaring Up – The process of making sure that a quilt block, or a quilt, has straight edges and right angles at every corner. Failure to do so will result in a hefty fine and/or jail time, as determined by the longarmer who is holding your quilt hostage.