Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It's never finished

Last night, at 10:15 pm, I made the final approvals for the PDF proofs of the magazine at the printer. Oddly, just like every other time I sat back and yelled, "DONE!" no balloons fell from the ceiling and no one cracked open a bottle of champagne. David wants to celebrate, but I just don't feel like it yet. I had said that we would celebrate when the hard copy proof arrived via FedEx this week, but it turns out that there will be no hard copy proof and that I won't get to look at it until I arrive in Kansas City next Thursday (and if they don't have a copy ready to hand over to me the second I see them, there will be hell to pay).

I'm feeling kind of burnt out and a bit numb. I just cleaned my kitchen,  because that's one of the things that has been ignored these last few weeks - housecleaning. My family might actually get to eat a decent meal this week and there may even be clean clothes for everyone to wear. If I also manage to take a shower and shave my legs, well then it will be just like a party around here.

Now I will be thinking about Market, or trying not to think about Market. I've always wanted to go, but not so much as a vendor, but as an observer. I keep telling everyone that the last thing they want is to put me out in front of the public, but that is also the last thing I want. Nearly everything about this trip is high up on my master list of Stuff I Avoid Whenever Possible:

1. Flying.
2. Sleeping with other people (there will be at least 4 people in one hotel room, god help us all.)
3. Being in any situation where I do not have immediate access to a bathroom.
4. Crowds.

Number three has me particularly worried, since I spent my entire weekend in pain, running to the can, and none of my meds seemed to help. I never know when it's going to get bad like that, but it has on the last couple trips I've taken. And I'm such a freak that I can't bring myself to talk to any of them about it, but apparently I've got no problem broadcasting it on the internet.

We have recently had some issues on the mag with people being upset that we sometime use the terms "slut" or "ho" (always used jokingly, never meanly, by the way). It has been enough of an issue to make me realize that it would probably be wise for them to not publish the link to my blog in the magazine or to even have the link online. They wanted me to put my blog address in my column, as well as on my business cards, and I ultimately decided not to. It was a strange time when I first started getting published in Quilter's Home and my blog address was in there and I got a pretty sizeable increase in readers - as well as a sizeable increase in people who didn't care for what I write and told me so. And that was fine. I don't expect the entire quilting world to love me, and I wouldn't want it to. Part of why I write the way I do here is in order to remain on the margins, where I can continue to do what pleases me and not what I have to consider might please a large audience.

But now, as Creative Director of Generation Q Magazine (that still sounds so cool!), I represent an entity beyond myself and one which we hope will be our livelihoods. I have to consider that lots of very conservative people are going to be picking our mag up to see what's what, and the last thing we need is for somebody to become inclined to reject us because they decide to check out my blog and discover that I worship Beelzebub and all his minions. See, when you are audacious enough to try to put together a magazine with national and international (that means Canada - sorry, Meg) distribution with only four people and a lot of nerve, people are inclined to either fully support you or totally reject you because you make a neat scapegoat. Lots of people in the world aren't truly happy unless they've got something to hate, and there's not much in the quilting world to hate. Turns out, I make an excellent object for that.

Again, I don't care if people don't like me or what I write, but I do care about it in relation to Generation Q. I am starting to think that it might be time to split off again, to have one blog where all of you who know me and like coming here can continue to read my insane rantings and another, more "public" blog that would be the face of my professional self. Which basically just means that I wouldn't curse or mention weenies. I'd probably still be a smart-ass half the time. I can't help myself.

So, I need a name for my "sanitized" quilting blog. Any ideas?

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