Monday, February 27, 2012

The Garment District

I was full of grandiose plans to lose 20 pounds before Market, but that hasn't happened because of being sick for so long. I still start coughing and hacking if I get the least bit winded, so exercise is out and then I feel sorry for myself because I am still blowing alien life forms out of my nose every 17 seconds, so I eat popovers. I have a thing about eating popovers when I am going through long periods of stress or discomfort. Some people need chocolate. I self-medicate with puffy bread.

So it's looking less and less like I will be skinny 3 months from now, particularly since I've managed to gain a few pounds (mmmm...popovers....) during my convalescence. How is a fat chick supposed to dress for being seen in public? Baggy, stained yoga pants and oversized t-shirts from Target are probably not going to cut it.

I used to love wearing tunics and leggings and I've seen people even bigger than me manage to carry this look off, so I started perusing catalogs. But everything is either cut wrong or too expensive, so on a lark I started looking at patterns. Not that I would actually make one or anything, because that would be insane. I am a hard person to size because my boobs are not as proportionally big as the rest of me, and I have no waist and a round belly. All those skinny people that make a living telling fat people what to wear say to emphasize the slimmest part of you, by which they mean the waist or the area right below your boobs. But from my armpits to my crotch, its all basically one big blob. There is no slimmest part.

But then I saw this and temporarily lost my mind.

What cool sleeves! What a flattering shape! And it says perfect for beginners! Surely if I can do curved piecing I can sew in a fucking sleeve, right? Oh, okay, what the hell.

And it was a breeze. No problems, no frustrations. I whipped that thing together in a couple days and it turned out perfect.

It looks like ass on me, of course. but on a hanger? Hot shit.

Now the girls had gotten quite used to hearing me say that I could make them skirts but nothing else because I didn't know how to make anything else, and as soon as I finished this and stepped back to admire my work, they jumped on me and demanded dresses. With gathers and zippers and shit. So I let them pick out fabric and we chose another pattern, and yesterday afternoon, I got started.

I worked on it periodically until the girls went to bed, and then I focussed on it while I "watched" the Oscars. I used to care deeply about the Oscars, back when I was child-free and had time to see the films and could stay up late with my friends getting shit-faced on champagne and trying to outdo each other with dumb celebrity jokes. Now I can't afford the hangover, but I still feel compelled to watch, and by "watch" I mean "have it on in the background while I do far more interesting things with my time." I was done before Meryl won for that movie I will never, ever see because at this point in my life, films about British politics are probably lower on the list than films about American politics. Or anything about any politics. I really fucking hate politics.

So it was with great pleasure that I got to tell Miss Devon this morning that her dress was all done:

Now it's Harper's turn, and then I will try again for myself. I have picked out two more patterns that look good in theory, but will surely fail upon practical application. And after I spend all that money on patterns and fabric I might have just enough left over for a new pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt from Target.

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