Mommy hurt her arm.

Oh, dear.

I seem to have had a small surge in readership lately, which is lovely, really - don't get me wrong. But whenever that happens, it is generally because someone somewhere had the notion to link to one of my posts, and it is often one of the more...innocuous ones, and it doesn't take long before I post something more...typical of me and my unrepentant depravity. And that's when I get the email that says, "I do NOT enjoy reading blogs where someone uses the f-word, mentions unpleasant bodily functions, and insults the royal family of Micronesia." To which I always reply, "Then you need to go back and read some more, lady, because I have written FAR worse than that. I have all kinds of things here for you to get a bug up your butt about, and you could have picked something WAY better."

But I hate getting those emails. Even though I truly do not intend to ever make this blog all sugar and lollipops for the delicate sensibilities crowd, I still feel all iggy when someone feels so violated by my naughty talk that they have to take the time to send me a scolding email over it. It makes me feel like maybe I wasn't up front enough about the way I tend to write, like there should have been a bigger tip-off alerting potential readers to the poison contained herein.

So, just in case we have some sweet Aunt Tillies out there who are going to faint when I suggest that perhaps the quilt I just made looks like FUCKING ROADKILL, here is a helpful guide to The Bitchy Stitcher Blog:

1. I curse. Frequently. Though not as frequently as I do in real life. Just ask my kids. In fact, the first time my firstborn was old enough to note the fact that I had just said something unusual and possibly fun to repeat, I had just whacked my elbow on the corner of a table, and my husband explained the stream of FCC-forbidden language coming from my mouth by saying, "Mommy hurt her arm." This was apparently a satisfactory explanation for Harper, and thereafter, anytime I erupted with a "Crap!" or "Holy shit!" or "You cocksucking douchebag!", David would just blithely say, "Mommy hurt her arm." Now they all say it. Frequently.

2. I am a self-taught quilter. Which means that I don't really know how to do anything properly and though you are welcome to ask me for advice, the advice will probably consist of several smart remarks and a link to something involving penises.

3. I am self-taught because I am an anti-social loner, and even though I am forty-one years old, I am still convinced that no matter what the situation, I will always be the dorky outcast that no one talks to and is fatter than anyone else in the room. So I deal with my social anxieties by coming here and making self-deprecating jokes about my lousy quilting and my other faults, and because I don't tend to also write about how wonderful my life is in other ways (and it is), it can appear as though I am nothing but a sack of insecurity and neuroses. I'm not, though. I'm actually a raving egomaniac. Seriously. When I'm done writing this, I'm going to spend at least an hour checking out my enormous booty in the mirror because it is Just. So. Awesome.

4. I am a writer for Quilter's Home magazine, where I have a regular humor column. If you are not a current reader of QH (and why the hell aren't you?), and you happen to pick up a copy out of curiosity, here's a helpful tip: mine is the article that says "By Megan Dougherty" at the top and contains a bunch of quilt-related insanity that may or may not strike you as funny, depending upon several factors such as your mood, the phase of the moon, and how far that stick up your butt goes.

There. I think that just about covers it. Let's all take bets now to see how soon that 311 over there starts dropping!

In quilting news:

After several days of intense deliberation (read: wishy-washy indecision), I finally cut and sewed the borders for the mermaid quilt:

And whaddya know - I don't hate it! I do think the peachy tone of the circles is a bit incongruous with all the hot pink and magenta, but the smaller inner border, which has much of the same tone, helps balance it. The niece for whom it is intended has a sister who will be getting a quilt in the same pattern with a horse theme and different colors.

So you see, this is how it works here. First, you have to wade through all my self-indulgent crap (Mommy hurt her arm) and then, if you make it through all that without hemorrhaging, you get rewarded with something quilty! (Though if I'm lazy, like I was today, it will be something quilty that has been poorly photographed with my phone instead of a real camera. See, I was too busy checking out my sweet, sweet booty in the mirror to bother with f-speeds and shutter stops.

And if you want to know the technique I used to make the circle blocks, just click here!

Oh, did you just hurt your arm?