Tuesday, August 31, 2010

More like semi-colons now

Ten days. That's what it says on this handy little app I have on my iPod that tracks the comings and goings of my monthly friend. The Red Menace. Aunt Flo. The Crimson Tide. Shark Week. I used to be like clockwork, as they say, and so I knew very, very early when I was pregnant with each of my girls. One day late and eight EPTs later? Bingo.

Now, I am a wee bit older, and the clock doesn't keep time like it used to. Thus I downloaded the handy app to see if there was any kind of pattern so I could have some sense of predictability. Turns out my cycle has just gone down from 28 days to around 23 or so. Which means I should have seen the red carpet rolled out oh, about TEN DAYS AGO.

Now, my wonderful husband is, as they say, shooting blanks these days, thanks to the nimble scalpels at Arundel Urology. We are done having kids. Oh so done. So very, very done. I am not - as far as I know - having a torrid affair with anyone. So, unless there has been some sort of spontaneous regeneration of critical tubes or it turns out that it IS in fact possible to get pregnant just from watching George Clooney be charming (Emmys!), then this must be just a product of my perimenopausal endocrine system. Right? RIGHT????

I just don't think it's healthy for a 41-year-old out-of-shape woman with high blood pressure and questionable emotional stability to have a pregnancy scare, no matter how unlikely. But it does make me consider the fact that my car troubles were entirely due to the fact that I hadn't changed my oil in over a year, and thus wonder if I've done something equally as stupid with my own body that is preventing the arrival of the Ketchup Monster. Or perhaps my own oil refuses to change in some sort of twisted solidarity with my car. Next it'll be wanting its spark pistons re-bored or something.

IN THE MEANTIME, in between Googling "spontaneous recanalization of the vas deferens" and ignoring my car maintenance, I have been working on my quilt:

It has gotten so large, it's difficult to hang it straight, and I'm too lazy to move the chair and ironing board out of the way - but you get the idea. It is, as they say (and they've been saying an awful lot today, haven't they?) pretty fucking awesome. I have still committed to pressing all the seams open and though I think this was the right choice, it is still a major pain in the ass. Every time I go to press the row I just sewed on, I realize that all the other rows I so painstakingly flattened have just closed up again. It's like they're not really taking me seriously, like I was just suggesting that they might want to lie flat, but, you know, do whatever works for you.

I know there is a tradition of naming one's quilts, something I've never really indulged in before, since nothing seemed to warrant it, but I think this quilt deserves a name. Right now I'm leaning towards I'M NOT PREGNANT, DAMMIT - but I'd like to hear your suggestions as well. I'm assuming most of you have more experience at naming quilts than I do, and can maybe come up with something that doesn't involve a clogged up throttle.


Sarah Paladino said...

I would call it, "Shawty's on Fire!" b/c it's that good.

Paulette said...

How about:
(a) Looking Forward to Shark Week
(b) Anticipation
(c) Mac the Knife

Your perimenopausal, PMS-ing pal,


Vicki W said...

"Red is not the only color."

"Looking for red."

I agree with P. I started PM at 42, my periods range between 15 and 45 days. The bitch will not go away yet either. My husband is lucky he has not died during one of my famous mood swings and the hot flashes are making ne insane.

Nancy said...

hm...don't have a name for the quilt..BUT watch out!! I got pregnant at age 40...4 years AFTER a tubal ligation... yep...you read that right... that damn right tube just decided to grow together and become patent...

nice huh?

which is why I have a college freshman this year... yea me..

OMG!! My word verification is...

are you ready??

FLUID!!!! There's a good name for that quilt... lol

Natalie said...

omg there's an app for that? I am totally downloading it...

Kelly said...

I concur with the perimenopause diagnosis of my peers. I got rid of the baby carriage 11 years ago, my Shark week lasted 2 solid years so it was obviously defective. Still have the ovaries (so, no, I don't need to grow a set) and suffer the power surges ('roid rages).

The quilt is stunning. I have trouble naming mine as well. Good job!

LizA. said...

Bullseye is the first thing that comes to my mind. Love it!

Try using some of Mary Ellen's Best Press as you press those suckers open -- it really, really helps. Gives just enough starch without being too stiff and "starchy" with none of that icky white flaking. And, it comes in lots of wonderful scents.

Chelley said...

I kinda like Spontaneous Recanalization for the name. :) Love the quilt!

Wilma Lee said...

I went through the same thing when I was in my early 40's. My periods got really heavy, then I missed 3. Even though my hubby had a vasectomy when he was 27,(we were done with having babies when we were 24!!!) they still made me take a pregnancy test before they would call it menopausal. The good news was, I was done with all that stuff by the time I was 48!! And the only symptoms I had were the hot flashes. Another developmental task approaches, lol.

Thomas said...

Just wanted to say I think this post qualifies for some sort of World Championship in Number of Euphemisms for Menstruation Used.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful quilt. All I could think of was 'Round and round we go'.
Hope all turns out well for you.

Joy said...

You're absolutely right ... the quilt is awesome!!! Just abbreviate it down and call it the PFA quilt ;o).
Joy :o)

John'aLee said...

That is one amazing quilt! Your post cracked me up! Keep us laughing girl!

Unknown said...

i had an emergency hysterectomy 3 years ago, the day i went in for surgery, aunt flow had been with me for 89 days............yes,i said 89 days............i haven't missed her since

Anonymous said...

Deborah says:

PFA, indeed! Pat yourself on the back for this quilt.

I kind of like Nancy's suggestion: Fluid. (Nice and short).

But Chelley's Spontaneous Recanalization is excellent as well.

It would definitely make people ponder.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Just to say I love your blog and it´s name. You´re good at naming, I think.
I´m not qualified to suggest a name for a quilt, but I´m quite fond of David, Thomas, Barbara, Hanna just in case...

Sarah Craig said...

Since you're going to hit the bargaining phase of this process soon, I'd name it "Let's Make A Deal"! It's gorgeous..... I had to laugh at the first part of your post, as I've been through the scares, the not knowing when Auntie Flo would come to visit, the hot flashes, and the mood swings. Best advice? If more than two people need killing in a half hour, it's probably you.... although not always!!

Debbie Cook said...

Sorry I can't help - and I would if I could because at 48 I would DIE if my tubes grew back together and gave me a new baby and I'm still waiting for Aunt Flo to pack up and leave - but you definitely helped me today with your humor. I really needed it, since I shipped my first "baby" off to Marine boot camp on less than 24 hours' notice and have been bawling off/on all day/night. But I still wouldn't trade you. ;-)

Susan said...

I read the beginning of this post on Tuesday but then was pulled away without finishing it. Later Tuesday evening I too downloaded the app you mentioned and then proceeded to have a 12 hour freakout regarding the fact that I was 25 days late. (Not a dummy - had the tubes tied 12 years ago so theoretically don't have to think about it.) An EPT test and call to the dr. reassured me (but not my husband) that I too have missed a period. Ok, so that just pisses me off - I'm 41 too and although don't enjoy any aspect of that "magical" week, hate the prospect of going through any kind of change. I'm too young!

The quilt is cool. How about "Being Tested".

Good luck with your vacation.

Glen QuiltSwissy said...

I can't stop laughing, EVERYONE is so funny

Call your doctor and get a blood test. They can tell you if you are in peri-menopause or beyond. I started at 28 in peri-menopause, took some pills to get my hormones in sync and ended up pregnant, which no one noticed for 5 months......long story........but I did manage to get her to 25 without killing her or damaging her in too many ways.

Just go get the blood test and call the quilt Spontaneous Recanalization.

It took us a while to figure out what caused it, but then we had him fixed!


Anonymous said...

I loved your post. Being perimeno at age 51, with a 10 year old son testing my resolve at every chance he gets! I oh so hear you sista'.
I find your quilt "mesmerizing," but my suggestion for its name is
"You are getting sleepy..."
Have to publish under "anonymous" because I am using my son's computer and can't remember my (*((( password.
My 'puter has been in the shop for 4 days !!!!!!!!!

Dianne said...

Your blog cracks me up! I was perimenopausal from 44 to 57 If I ever get my hands on the SOB who designed me he/she/it's toast! Good luck with the process.
The quilt is fab, i like Sarah's suggestion of Shawty's on Fire :-)

Barbara said...

Sounds like I'm the only one who welcomed perimenopause. Up till then my periods were anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 weeks apart, severe cramps that caused me to be bedridden for a day, heavy flow. Ugh. I hit my 40's and became reasonably regular, no cramps, no more migraines, etc. But, Aunt Flo didn't pack up and leave totally until I was 56. I could do without the night sweats, though. A friend of mine got pregnant 2 years after her periods stopped. I had no idea that could happen.