This link does not involve winkies. Okay, maybe a little one. In text only.

You people crack me up. I would have thought that after the crap I pulled on April 1, you'd know not to take me seriously. I'm actually doing really well right now, happier than I've been in a long time. And a big part of that is GenQ. Having something to work on - and work towards - that is mine, that doesn't belong to some faceless corporation, is just the best. And you know what else is the best? You all are. Because the day my first humor piece went up on the GenQ site, you all went over there in droves and gave us our best day ever. Way more hits than for anything else we've run, and because of that, we're starting to use those stats in promotional materials.

So, I'm asking you - pretty, pretty please - to do it again. My new humor column is up right now so please go over there and read it and leave a comment (at the GenQ site please!) letting us know if you liked it. And if you were offended by it, then you are a soulless demon with a heart made of the blackest coal and I will find a way to make fun of you in a future piece. So you should leave a comment too!

And in return I will come back here in the next couple of days and tell you all about how my husband and kids decided to celebrate my birthday. It involves my 4-year old repeatedly shouting, "TRUST ME! I'M A DOCTOR!"

(Did you miss that link up there? It's here too: http://generationqmagazine.com/2011/08/unravelled-quilting-with-kids/ .)

Birthday thoughts

Good grief, y'all, I'm 42 today. Every year, my birthday makes me feel more and more melancholy. I wonder about how little I've accomplished, and whether there is much more to look forward to in the second half of my life. Yes, I have a wonderful husband and two great kids. I've become a humor writer and I'm starting a new publication. But somehow, on this day, I wonder if it all means anything, if I'm doing any of it right.

I'm honestly not fishing for praise or birthday wishes here. Just having one of those mid-life moments where you start to think that maybe something is missing from your life. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just feel like there's an emptiness, a space in my life just waiting to be filled. It's hard to grasp, but I just don't think I've experienced everything that life has to offer.*

I think what I really need...is this.




*Y'all know this is all bullshit, right? And it's just an excuse for the link? Just checking.

Your opinion, please

So, when I first had the notion of this calendar project, I wasn't really thinking about any profits that might come from it, because, well, I figured there wouldn't actually be any. I mean, who besides me, would want to see some very un-model-esque dudes sans chemises holding burritos while lounging on quilts? To me, that is pretty much the very definition of awesome, but then I'm a middle-aged woman who doesn't get out of the house much. I get excited over new yogurt flavors. ("Pomegranate-mango-guava-gooseberry? And a three-cents-off coupon? Why, yes, I will have 10 of those!")

Then it seemed perhaps I was wrong and I might be able to sell five or six and I figured that, like my t-shirts, a few extra bucks in my pocket on occasion wouldn't hurt (I make about $15 a month off the t-shirts). Particularly since I now have no income at all and probably won't for the foreseeable future. Then someone asked if the models will get paid out of the "profits" or will it go to charity and I said charity because I really, really want to make this calendar and if I have to get all altruistic and shit to get it done, then fine.

So, now I have to decide on a charity. What I would like to do is take any profits (and I'm still not convinced there will be much of that, but we'll see) and give it to my brother. Most of you know, but some newcomers may not, that just over a year ago my brother was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme, a very aggressive form of brain cancer. The chemo has been keeping the tumor growth under control, but we just had a big scare when he got pericarditis, most likely from having a compromised immune system. At some pont, he may get sicker and possibly unable to work, and as anyone who has had or knows someone who has had a long illness, it can wreak havoc on your finances. Insurances don't cover everything, and sometimes they run out. And anyway, you get the point.

But maybe that's still too self-serving to count as a charity? Maybe you'd prefer to see the profits go somewhere else? I'd like to hear your thoughts and suggestions on what I should do with the twenty bucks and change (that's a rough estimate) that I could potentially make from this project. Let me know in the comments here or on Facebook and I'll try to make a decision in the next few days.

Meanwhile, I have 6 sets of photos of some very awesome and adorable guys (and I might just have a tiny little crush on Mr. October) and more have been promised me this weekend. And if you want to participate, but your guy won't cooperate, I'll give you the advice I gave someone on Facebook last week. Just wait for a morning when your man-candy is lounging in bed (and of course you have a quilt on the bed, right? And naturally he has no shirt on, right?) and offer to bring him breakfast in bed. Then you bring him a nice breakfast burrito, and once he's got it, you whip out the digital camera, wing off a few shots and then run like hell!

Please ignore the funny man on my other website

Whatever you do, do not go over to Generation Q today and read the guest post by Josh Cacopardo. The boy cracks me up, and I'm a humor snob. People are always sending me links to stuff and saying, "OMG thi sis SO FUNNY I know youll love it LOLOLOLOLOLOL" and in my head I'm composing doctoral thesis-length essays on why it's not funny at all. So, when I tell you I think somebody is funny and an excellent writer I mean it, so obviously I cannot let you go read his column, because then you'd all abandon me in droves. I'm pretty sure Josh doesn't ever link to penis pictures though he does apparently drink a hell of a lot more than I do, so who knows what could happen after a few highballs. The man could be a penis-linking machine and we'd all be taken completely by surprise. Oh, and - he's an infant. Like, 29. Way too young to be writing this well. Maybe his mom is doing it for him. So, like I said, don't go over there and comment or anything like that. We don't want to encourage the boy.

Okay, fine. Go. He's awesome. You'll love him.

Meanwhile, our calendar is moving right along. I have received four sets of photos and hoo boy are they good. I am so tempted to describe them, but I really want the whole thing to be a surprise when it's done, so no sneak peeks for you. And the gentleman who runs the Quilt Guy online group sent the call for models out to his mailing list and now I've got a few bachelor fellows eager to strip down for the camera. So, just to reiterate: the Quilter's Shirtless Man and Spicy Burrito calendar does not discriminate based on age, physique, marital status or sexual orientation. We do however discriminate against all other forms of south-of-the-border-food. So, no sissy tostadas, hombres.

In actual sewing news—I don't think I ever shared this, except on Facebook. I have mastered curved piecing. You may freely hate me now:

I loved the fabrics before I put them together in this configuration. Now I think they look stupid. BUT my curved seams are all damn near perfect and so I planned to hang that sucker on the wall just so I could look at it and gloat. I went to JoAnn for batting last weekend, and like the chump I am bought some cheap-ass package of fusible polyester batting. This stuff was supposedly fusible on both sides, unlike the Pellon fusible fleece I usually get, and I thought that would be right handy and it would have been if the stuff wasn't about as fusible as an old Band-Aid. But I got some of it to stick and then I headed for the sewing machine to stipple the living crap out of it (I don't do "free motion quilting." I stipple the living crap out of things.) It was a disaster. I don't know if it's the fleece or my needle or the simple fact that everything that can go wrong in one person's life has done so in mine over the last week, but I finally gave up and am now in the process of ripping out all the stitches. I don't know what I'll do with the damn thing now. Other than curse it for all eternity, I mean.

The Quilter's Shirtless Man and Spicy Burrito 2012 Calendar

Okay, remember what I said yesterday about not sending me pictures of your pudgy significant other in his skivvies?

I lied.

Okay, well, I didn't exactly lie, but I changed my mind. Somebody commented that if I hadn't put on the "he's gotta be hot" restriction, she would have totally dressed up her personal man-companion in a quilt and handed him a burrito while she charged up the Minolta. Somebody else mentioned the Starry Night Hollow  quilt calendar, and I thought, well, hell. I can't fulfill my dream of making Quilter's Shirtless Man and Spicy Burrito Monthly into a real publication, but I can make a calendar! Or I can if I can get 12 guys to take off their shirts, drape themselves with a quilt, and hold a nice, spicy burrito (and I mean a REAL burrito, not a metaphorical one, ya dirty minded crew, you).

I took the request to Facebook last night, as many of you know, and at last count we had 5 men willing to participate. One person thought she could get more of her male friends to do it as well if we need to pad the numbers. We need 12 altogether, so I need seven more guys to step up to the plate and take off their shirts for the sake of art (and comedy). So, ladies, flutter your eyelashes, pop open a beer, promise him exotic sexual favors. My own chunk of man-flesh was asleep when I had this lightbulb moment last night, but I will be working on him soon. And I know we have some guy readers out there, so you're not off the hook either, Willy, Joey, and Gene!

Here are some guidelines for taking and sending in your pictures:

1. Take a horizontal shot, not vertical. That will work better for the calendar.
2. You can take multiple shots and send them all or a selection if you want.
3. Use as much natural light as possible. Try to avoid using your camera's flash, if you can.
4. Be sure to send me the full size picture files, not a reduced version.
5. I'll need the beefcake's first name. If I don't get one, I'll make it up.

Twelve men. Shirtless. On, near, or wrapped in a quilt. Holding a burrito. And I'll make a calendar. And it will be awesome.

(And if we get more than 12, maybe I'll make a coffee table book!)

George + double wedding ring + steak and bean = hell, yes.

Last week, I tried to take a few precious, precious moments to actually quilt. Not just write about other people who quilt or make jokes about quilters or edit somebody else's article about quilting—just quilt. And I was apparently so giddy from the very idea of handling fabric that I lopped off a small chunk of my left index finger with my rotary cutter. It wasn't a major injury and it didn't bleed as much as I was expecting, but it did leave a nice flap of flesh hanging off that had to be dealt with. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so it was fun to open up the wound and show Harper ("COOL!") and torture my husband ("Oh, holy crap, I told you quilting was dangerous...oh dear...fainting now..."). Then two days after that I dropped a wine glass on the kitchen floor and as I was trying to clean it up, I got a sliver of glass embedded in the little finger of my right hand. Next it'll be a rebar through my skull or something. The glass is starting to work it's way out, but is too small to grab with tweezers, so I just go around with my bandaged pinky sticking straight out all the time. Perhaps this is my punishment for being such a big meanie.

Now, when my partners and I were creating Generation Q, I was actually pushing to go in a completely different direction with the magazine. As an editor of a quilting magazine, I get to combine my love of writing and journalism with my love of quilting, but I have long had a dream of combining ALL my great loves into one publication: Quilter's Shirtless Man and Spicy Burrito Monthly. But noooo. We couldn't do that. Too weird, they said. And there was some concern that I would try to sneak in penises. Sissies. Anyway, since I cannot possibly try to start up two publications, I will have to content myself with creating a Pinboard on the topic. (You're welcome, Meg H.) If you have any great pictures of quilts, shirtless men, or spicy burritos OR—and you will be crowned, adored, and festooned with gifts if you find such a thing—a shirtless man holding a spicy burrito while wrapped in or standing near a quilt (and the man has to be hot - so no pictures of Fred in the altogether, please), then please send me the links and I'll post them to the board.

Happy pinning!

Unravelled

Today, my first humor column for Generation Q is up. And while it's not the one I told you about (the one that might make certain unsuspecting readers—ones who aren't quite so used to me—faint from shock and horror), it is pretty funny. And the topic was suggested to me by my own personal husband, thus rendering him officially Worth The Trouble for at least another day.

I hope you like it and I would be truly grateful if you left a comment over there if you do.