Today, my first humor column for Generation Q is up. And while it's not the one I told you about (the one that might make certain unsuspecting readers—ones who aren't quite so used to me—faint from shock and horror), it is pretty funny. And the topic was suggested to me by my own personal husband, thus rendering him officially Worth The Trouble for at least another day.
I hope you like it and I would be truly grateful if you left a comment over there if you do.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
T.L.M.I.T.B.
This past weekend, I got Harper a Lego set and she immediately set to work on it. I was pretty proud of her. She had no problems interpreting the instructions, and anytime she had trouble or messed up, she just pushed through until she got it right. Just a few months ago she would have burst into tears and refused to touch it. She was very pleased to reveal the finished product to me and her daddy last night:
Naturally, David and I were most fascinated by the item on the left:
Me: "Look, honey. It's The Little Man In The Boat!"
David: "Hey! I love The Little Man In The Boat!"
Me: "Me too. But it is sometimes hard to find him."
David: "Not for me. I ALWAYS know how to find The Little Man In The Boat."
Me: "I'm not so sure you do, babe."
David: "I'm shocked. Perhaps I should demonstrate my ability to put my finger right on The Little Man In The Boat for you. Like, soon."
This went on ALL EVENING, through dinner, right up until I put the kids to bed. The kids were oblivious and never questioned it, since we were clearly talking about Legos. Talking A LOT about Legos. And giggling.
So, now David and I are trying to plan a weekend away since we have some dear friends who are willing to take our kids overnight, and at the grocery store this morning I was talking to Harper about the possibility that she and Devon might stay overnight at Bella and Sam's so that daddy and I could have some alone time. She asked what we were going to do and as I was talking about going out to eat or to a movie, she blurted out, delightedly, "YOU COULD HELP DADDY FIND THE LITTLE MAN IN THE BOAT!"
"Already on the schedule, kid," I said. "Already on the schedule."
Naturally, David and I were most fascinated by the item on the left:
Me: "Look, honey. It's The Little Man In The Boat!"
David: "Hey! I love The Little Man In The Boat!"
Me: "Me too. But it is sometimes hard to find him."
David: "Not for me. I ALWAYS know how to find The Little Man In The Boat."
Me: "I'm not so sure you do, babe."
David: "I'm shocked. Perhaps I should demonstrate my ability to put my finger right on The Little Man In The Boat for you. Like, soon."
This went on ALL EVENING, through dinner, right up until I put the kids to bed. The kids were oblivious and never questioned it, since we were clearly talking about Legos. Talking A LOT about Legos. And giggling.
So, now David and I are trying to plan a weekend away since we have some dear friends who are willing to take our kids overnight, and at the grocery store this morning I was talking to Harper about the possibility that she and Devon might stay overnight at Bella and Sam's so that daddy and I could have some alone time. She asked what we were going to do and as I was talking about going out to eat or to a movie, she blurted out, delightedly, "YOU COULD HELP DADDY FIND THE LITTLE MAN IN THE BOAT!"
"Already on the schedule, kid," I said. "Already on the schedule."
Monday, July 11, 2011
Let them eat layer cake
Holy buckets of sweat, y'all. We finally got the first post over on Generation Q Magazine up last night, with me and Jake trading phone calls, emails and texts until we were both punchy and hyper and next to hysterical. We're working on Wordpress and it's new to all of us, and whenever I have to learn a new interface, there's always these first few moments where it all looks like Sanskrit and I think, "I'll NEVER figure this out." Then, invariably, I figure it out. I guess there's something in me that just likes the drama of going THIS IS STUPID. I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL SOMEBODY DOES IT FOR ME, even though I like the satisfaction of doing it on my own much more.
If you head over there, please note the logo. I did that. Yep. Me. When I got my first real job as an editor I worked for a VERY small magazine which had a full-time staff consisting of the owner and me. His son was our graphic designer, but he only came in a week or two before we went to print and worked at night with his dad. I taught myself InDesign and enough Photoshop to do layout for the mag and also to design ads for businesses who wanted to advertise but couldn't afford a real graphic designer. So when we were all wringing our hands and wondering who was going to fall out of the sky to magically design a logo for us, I finally said, Well, hell, I'll just give it a go. It was so much fun and I hope I get to do more.
With all of this excitement and work, I haven't had much of a chance to sew. I am currently working on this pattern:
and I'm using a Central Park layer cake for it:
Devon wanted to see the gem collection and the dinosaur bones. At the gem displays, there was some big-ass diamonds that had belonged to Marie Antoinette, as the little plaque informed us, and we stood and looked at those for quite some time. And as we stood there, people - usually in pairs - would come up and read the plaque and go, "I wonder if she was wearing them when she got her head cut off?" You could have conducted some sort of social experiment - the number of people who made the same lame joke vs the number who didn't because they didn't know who the hell Marie Antoinette was and couldn't pronounce it anyway.
My favorite goober couple was these twenty-somethings who were at the dinosaur bones with us. In part of the display, a set of bones (or casts of bones, really) was laid out on the floor to show how the bones look when they are exposed during an excavation. They even had some handy tools laid out near them to show what a paleontologist in the field would be using to dig up a dinosaur skeleton. And as we're looking at it, this chick walks up and looks at it, then pulls her boyfriend over and says, "Look, this one just fell apart!" They then had a deep and meaningful discussion about the sorry state of museum goers, who probably knocked it over and the poor job the museum was doing in maintaining its displays. And I'm standing there, holding my tongue, and trying not to go HOW DO YOU EVEN GET DRESSED IN THE MORNING?
So it was good to come home and stay up late making something cool on the internet. I hope you'll come over and play with us and I'll be sure to let you know what fun stuff is happening. I will say this: I wrote a humor piece for it and we're all still trying to decide if it's too offensive. I can't help it. IT'S WHAT I DO.
If you head over there, please note the logo. I did that. Yep. Me. When I got my first real job as an editor I worked for a VERY small magazine which had a full-time staff consisting of the owner and me. His son was our graphic designer, but he only came in a week or two before we went to print and worked at night with his dad. I taught myself InDesign and enough Photoshop to do layout for the mag and also to design ads for businesses who wanted to advertise but couldn't afford a real graphic designer. So when we were all wringing our hands and wondering who was going to fall out of the sky to magically design a logo for us, I finally said, Well, hell, I'll just give it a go. It was so much fun and I hope I get to do more.
With all of this excitement and work, I haven't had much of a chance to sew. I am currently working on this pattern:
and I'm using a Central Park layer cake for it:
And though I've had the fabric and the pattern for over two weeks now, I've only managed to cut about eleven pieces. Some of that is the GenQ stuff keeping me busy, but it's also my youngest child, who is determined to pick as many fights with me in the course of a day as she can, and it's dangerous to hold a rotary cutter when you so desperately want to throw something. She is the queen of rolling her eyes and acting all exasperated and cheesed off over every little thing, and I've done all that "positive discipline" crap and doesn't work worth a damn on a kid who needs to have a screaming fit in order to feel she's made her mark on the world today. Nothing else works either. Not even bribes. I know this kid, and I know it's a phase, but for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, some days I really want to sell her to the circus.
We took her and her big sister to the Natural History Museum in D.C. yesterday and had a pretty good time. Demon - I mean, Devon - was very patient and calm under the circumstances and we were smart enough to bring a stroller so she could sack out when she got tired. The best part was the butterfly exhibit, particularly how the butterflies would just land on you, not skittish at all.
My favorite goober couple was these twenty-somethings who were at the dinosaur bones with us. In part of the display, a set of bones (or casts of bones, really) was laid out on the floor to show how the bones look when they are exposed during an excavation. They even had some handy tools laid out near them to show what a paleontologist in the field would be using to dig up a dinosaur skeleton. And as we're looking at it, this chick walks up and looks at it, then pulls her boyfriend over and says, "Look, this one just fell apart!" They then had a deep and meaningful discussion about the sorry state of museum goers, who probably knocked it over and the poor job the museum was doing in maintaining its displays. And I'm standing there, holding my tongue, and trying not to go HOW DO YOU EVEN GET DRESSED IN THE MORNING?
So it was good to come home and stay up late making something cool on the internet. I hope you'll come over and play with us and I'll be sure to let you know what fun stuff is happening. I will say this: I wrote a humor piece for it and we're all still trying to decide if it's too offensive. I can't help it. IT'S WHAT I DO.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
New Beginnings
I told you a few days ago that things are not over for me and the former editors of QH, Jake Finch and Melissa Thompson Maher, and I am very excited to be able to tell you today that we are launching our own blogzine: Generation Q Magazine. We go live on Monday, July 11. Here is a description and mission statement from our Facebook page:
Generation Q Magazine is a community of modern and contemporary quilters, sewists and crafters who revel in their creativity and want to share the fun with anyone who will bother to play with them.
Generation Q was created to apply the specific skill sets of a handful of creative stitchy types in a way that intrigues other creative stitchy types. Jake Finch, Melissa Thompson Maher and Megan Dougherty spend their days rooting out the best in the world of quilting and sewing. It's all about the fun factor!
As a blogzine, website, pattern and periodical publisher (print and digital), Generation Q seeks to inspire, delight, challenge, instruct, reflect and report on what makes us creative stitchers tick. Sometimes cheeky, other times insightful, our mission is to entertain and inform the masses, to hopefully convert the most stalwart sewing critics into fiber minions and to ultimately take over the world with quilts. We are GenQ.
This is one of the most exciting projects I have ever been involved with, because we are truly building it with our bare hands. We know there's a whole community out there of like-minded quilters who love to read, have a quirky sense of humor, and have a passion for DIY creativity. GenQ is not just about quilting or sewing, but about people who live to create, and we want to add lots of fuel to that creative fire that is burning across the country and around the world.
Please save the link above and check it on Monday, July 11th. Meanwhile, head on over to our Facebook page and "like" us so you can stay informed about all our developments. (And not to worry - this blog will keep going just like always. I would never leave you, baby. I looooove you.)
Long live GenQ!
Generation Q Magazine is a community of modern and contemporary quilters, sewists and crafters who revel in their creativity and want to share the fun with anyone who will bother to play with them.
Generation Q was created to apply the specific skill sets of a handful of creative stitchy types in a way that intrigues other creative stitchy types. Jake Finch, Melissa Thompson Maher and Megan Dougherty spend their days rooting out the best in the world of quilting and sewing. It's all about the fun factor!
As a blogzine, website, pattern and periodical publisher (print and digital), Generation Q seeks to inspire, delight, challenge, instruct, reflect and report on what makes us creative stitchers tick. Sometimes cheeky, other times insightful, our mission is to entertain and inform the masses, to hopefully convert the most stalwart sewing critics into fiber minions and to ultimately take over the world with quilts. We are GenQ.
This is one of the most exciting projects I have ever been involved with, because we are truly building it with our bare hands. We know there's a whole community out there of like-minded quilters who love to read, have a quirky sense of humor, and have a passion for DIY creativity. GenQ is not just about quilting or sewing, but about people who live to create, and we want to add lots of fuel to that creative fire that is burning across the country and around the world.
Please save the link above and check it on Monday, July 11th. Meanwhile, head on over to our Facebook page and "like" us so you can stay informed about all our developments. (And not to worry - this blog will keep going just like always. I would never leave you, baby. I looooove you.)
Long live GenQ!
Friday, July 1, 2011
A fond farewell
Most of you know that besides writing about my lousy quilting and penises on the internet, I also write for Quilter's Home magazine. Just over two years ago, on the suggestion of one of my readers, I sent in this blog post for consideration, and almost immediately it was accepted. Ultimately, that one wasn't published because it had been on the blog and they wanted "unpublished" content, but I wrote more and they accepted that and a year after I had begun quilting and started this blog I had fulfilled a lifelong dream of publishing my humor writing.
During that initial process of publishing my first article, there was a big shake-up at the magazine, one I've never gotten the full scoop on, and there was a new editor and then she was gone and the founder, Mark Lipinski, left, and for a time it looked as though the magazine—and my dream—were going to die. Then I found out that Jake Finch and Melissa Thompson Maher, who had been managing editor and senior editor before the shake-up, had been re-hired as co-editors-in chief. And they wanted me to write for them. Every issue.
For two years, Jake and Melissa have been my friends and my champions. They gave me feature articles and a second regular column (on sewing collectibles) as well as my humor column and often came to me for ideas and editorial consultations. I even got to copyedit one issue when the regular copyeditor was ill. Had they ever been granted enough of a budget to bring on a real staff, I think they might have actually hired me.
Jake and Melissa put that magazine out every two months with almost no support staff, which, if you know anything about publishing, is a major feat. They poured their hearts and souls into it, and took me along for the ride, for which I will always be profoundly grateful. I think they did a damn incredible job.
The August/September issue, which is now being placed on newsstands and mailed to subscribers, is the last issue of Quilter's Home. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is for me to write that, to make it finally public and to know that the publication I have adored and which gave me the freedom to write what I love is now over.
To everybody who bought the magazine and subscribed: thank you. Your support was vital to keeping us alive for the last two years, but, unfortunately, it was not enough. To Jake and Melissa: thank you for absolutely everything. Your faith in me, your support, and most of all your friendship. I truly love you both.
But it's not over. You can't keep a bunch of smart-ass women down for long. Things are afoot and I will be posting again very soon (I hope) to tell you more about it.
So long, QH.
During that initial process of publishing my first article, there was a big shake-up at the magazine, one I've never gotten the full scoop on, and there was a new editor and then she was gone and the founder, Mark Lipinski, left, and for a time it looked as though the magazine—and my dream—were going to die. Then I found out that Jake Finch and Melissa Thompson Maher, who had been managing editor and senior editor before the shake-up, had been re-hired as co-editors-in chief. And they wanted me to write for them. Every issue.
For two years, Jake and Melissa have been my friends and my champions. They gave me feature articles and a second regular column (on sewing collectibles) as well as my humor column and often came to me for ideas and editorial consultations. I even got to copyedit one issue when the regular copyeditor was ill. Had they ever been granted enough of a budget to bring on a real staff, I think they might have actually hired me.
Jake and Melissa put that magazine out every two months with almost no support staff, which, if you know anything about publishing, is a major feat. They poured their hearts and souls into it, and took me along for the ride, for which I will always be profoundly grateful. I think they did a damn incredible job.
The August/September issue, which is now being placed on newsstands and mailed to subscribers, is the last issue of Quilter's Home. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is for me to write that, to make it finally public and to know that the publication I have adored and which gave me the freedom to write what I love is now over.
To everybody who bought the magazine and subscribed: thank you. Your support was vital to keeping us alive for the last two years, but, unfortunately, it was not enough. To Jake and Melissa: thank you for absolutely everything. Your faith in me, your support, and most of all your friendship. I truly love you both.
But it's not over. You can't keep a bunch of smart-ass women down for long. Things are afoot and I will be posting again very soon (I hope) to tell you more about it.
So long, QH.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Peeps and peels
Geez, has it really been two weeks since I posted anything? I have excuses, involving bouts with more than one chronic gastrointestinal problem plus a new one that has decided to crop up all of a sudden, plus a couple of semi-major life changes, one of which I can't discuss and the other being that school is out. Harper and I have had several long talks about how she is going to have to find Things To Do On Her Own and that we will Do Some Things Together, but I also have to Get Some Writing Done or we will Never Make It To Disneyworld In Her Lifetime.
In between periods of intestinal distress, I did manage to haul my carcass to the Annapolis Quilt Show last weekend. Since I haven't been feeling well, I didn't try to hook up with anybody local, figuring nobody wants to see the woman who writes funny quilt jokes on the internet doubled over and grimacing every few minutes. Tends to take the bloom off the rose.
I remember feeling kind of blown away and somewhat intimidated last year, seeing all those quilts with patterns and techniques I would never in a million years master. But this year? I don't know - this year was different and I don't know if it was the quality of the entries or just the increase in my confidence or some of both. I kept thinking that I could do better, and I'm not even sure if I'm right about that. And most of them had been quilted by the same person who pieced them (and apparently a LOT of people own longarms) and I can't compete with that, but I just didn't have that same sense of awe and wonder. I just thought, well shit, I need to get started on a new project.
I did score some fabric while I was there:
Castle Peeps in the red colorway. This is one of those lines I have coveted but never purchased because I knew I would just hoard it and not cut into it, but it's not so easy to abstain when it's all bundled up and giving you come hither looks from across the show floor. She had the green and blue colorways as well, and when I spotted them there were two women fondling them and trying to decide whether to buy one, and as soon as the one woman put this bundle down I swooped in and grabbed it. Yes, I turned into one of those If You're Not Touching It, Bitch, It's Mine people - and I didn't care. And, oh, she had all kinds of good stuff: Echino and Anna Maria Horner and Heather Ross and Erin McMorris and I was drooling everywhere. She has an online shop: Some Art Fabric and her business card (which I have lost) gives her title as Enabler. Her tagline is: We Sell Fabric. Wanna Make Something Of It? I love that.
Since I have my sweet baby girl all up in my armpits for the next two months, I thought it would be prudent to have some handwork to do. Remember this project?
Yeah, well. I abandoned that. I got this far:
and couldn't take it anymore. Those were probably the hardest pieces to do out of all of them, but just doing those was tedious and difficult and I hated sitting there with my Clover mini iron, trying not to burn myself or anyone else. But I still really, really want to do turned edge applique. So I thought that maybe something simpler would be better, and I settled on an orange peel design.
If you have not tried turned edge applique and want to, I highly recommend this route. It's easy to make the template, easy to starch and turn the edges of this shape. So far, I've made 48 squares, and I stitch them whenever I need to keep an eye on the kids without being drafted into participating in one of their games ("Mom, pretend that I'm a princess and you're the evil queen who says mean things to me when I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.")
I am now going to attempt to choke down a piece of gluten-free bread and some water. Cheers!
In between periods of intestinal distress, I did manage to haul my carcass to the Annapolis Quilt Show last weekend. Since I haven't been feeling well, I didn't try to hook up with anybody local, figuring nobody wants to see the woman who writes funny quilt jokes on the internet doubled over and grimacing every few minutes. Tends to take the bloom off the rose.
I remember feeling kind of blown away and somewhat intimidated last year, seeing all those quilts with patterns and techniques I would never in a million years master. But this year? I don't know - this year was different and I don't know if it was the quality of the entries or just the increase in my confidence or some of both. I kept thinking that I could do better, and I'm not even sure if I'm right about that. And most of them had been quilted by the same person who pieced them (and apparently a LOT of people own longarms) and I can't compete with that, but I just didn't have that same sense of awe and wonder. I just thought, well shit, I need to get started on a new project.
I did score some fabric while I was there:
Castle Peeps in the red colorway. This is one of those lines I have coveted but never purchased because I knew I would just hoard it and not cut into it, but it's not so easy to abstain when it's all bundled up and giving you come hither looks from across the show floor. She had the green and blue colorways as well, and when I spotted them there were two women fondling them and trying to decide whether to buy one, and as soon as the one woman put this bundle down I swooped in and grabbed it. Yes, I turned into one of those If You're Not Touching It, Bitch, It's Mine people - and I didn't care. And, oh, she had all kinds of good stuff: Echino and Anna Maria Horner and Heather Ross and Erin McMorris and I was drooling everywhere. She has an online shop: Some Art Fabric and her business card (which I have lost) gives her title as Enabler. Her tagline is: We Sell Fabric. Wanna Make Something Of It? I love that.
Since I have my sweet baby girl all up in my armpits for the next two months, I thought it would be prudent to have some handwork to do. Remember this project?
Yeah, well. I abandoned that. I got this far:
and couldn't take it anymore. Those were probably the hardest pieces to do out of all of them, but just doing those was tedious and difficult and I hated sitting there with my Clover mini iron, trying not to burn myself or anyone else. But I still really, really want to do turned edge applique. So I thought that maybe something simpler would be better, and I settled on an orange peel design.
If you have not tried turned edge applique and want to, I highly recommend this route. It's easy to make the template, easy to starch and turn the edges of this shape. So far, I've made 48 squares, and I stitch them whenever I need to keep an eye on the kids without being drafted into participating in one of their games ("Mom, pretend that I'm a princess and you're the evil queen who says mean things to me when I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.")
I am now going to attempt to choke down a piece of gluten-free bread and some water. Cheers!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Quilter's Apps - reviewed by my mom
A few months ago my husband and I got iPads. this was the result of a bonus he had received from work, which was given to him with the instruction to "do something fun with it." I don't know why, but neither of us seemed to feel that paying bills was much fun, and we are Apple gadget geeks. We've had just about everything that fool company produces, even the stupid stuff that nobody remembers anymore. Apple could put out some kind of iToaster or iEarWaxRemover and we'd be trying to figure out how to get cash out of the 401K to get it.
I already had an iPod Touch (naturally), and so had delved into the world of quilting apps just a bit. But I really got going when I got my iPad, but there were so many to choose from, and, being the busy, on-the-go mom and writer that I am, I just didn't have time to go through them all and look at the reviews and decide which ones would work well for me. So, I asked my own personal mom* to help out by testing the top ten quilter's apps and giving me her honest opinion on whether I should buy them. Thanks, Mom!
1. Quilter’s Excuses
Category: Anti-productivity
You know how uncomfortable it is when the head of one of the umpteen committees at your quilt guild gets up in front of the room to shame everyone into participating in something for once in their damn lives? Have you run out of creative and believable excuses for getting out of, say, organizing the library or bribing the community center security guard so no one gets booted for sneaking in Schnapps and beer? This handy app generates a random excuse guaranteed to keep even the most determined committee organizer from roping you into something boring.
Should I buy it? Yes, but if you tell anyone I said so I’ll deny it.
2. Does This Fabric Combo Suck?
Category: Self-Help
This app is for all those nervous Nellies who can’t bear to come up with their own fabric choices for their quilts. If you are utterly dependent on your LQS to have exactly the same fabrics that are displayed in the sample quilt and are tired of people trying to explain the color wheel to you, look no further. Simply take a photo of two or more fabrics and the app will tell you whether they look totally stupid together.
Should I buy it? Absolutely. If it prevents even one person from hogging the cutting table while fretting over eighteen bolts of fabric, trying to pick the one that could replace the only Moda fabric the store doesn’t have in stock, it will have done its job admirably. And yes, I’m talking about you, dear.
3. Quilt Humor Finder
Category: Entertainment
Love to quilt? Love to laugh? This handy app brings all the best quilting-related humor from print and the web together to keep you in stitches!
Should I buy it? Good heavens, no. For one thing, there is no such thing as “quilt-related humor,” and if there were I wouldn’t read it. Quilting is very, very serious and is only practiced by people of high morals and sterling character. Like politicians and teen pop stars.
4. Wonky Blocks
Category: How-To
“Wonky” blocks are all the rage in quilting today: wonky log cabins, wonky stars, wonky geese—even wonky Drunkard’s Path! With videos and step-by-step instructions, this app teaches you how to put the “wonk” in your stitch and churn out bizarre blocks that’ll have your bee buzzing with envy!
Should I buy it? Sure, if you’ve got a spare buck ninety-nine lying around that you just don’t know what to do with. But if you ask me, all you need to make your blocks “wonky” is a box of wine and a blindfold.
5. LQS Locator
Category: Travel
No matter where you are in the country, now you can find all the nearest quilt shops and get maps and driving directions, links to websites, and even special coupons from participating shops!
Should I buy it? Are they trying to suggest that there are actually some quilters out there who cannot track down a quilt shop by scent alone? I once found a quilt shop by closing my eyes and listening for the unmistakable sound of drool dripping on cotton. I suppose this is meant for new quilters who haven’t yet learned to pull into the nearest strip mall as soon as they get that "special tingle." What are you giggling about? The tingle is in your fingers. For heaven's sake.
6. Quilt Porn
Category: Art and Photography
A compendium of all the best quilt photography on the web.
Should I buy it? Call me old fashioned, but in my day, the word “porn” meant something your husband hid under the mattress, not a bunch of pictures of quilts. It’s not that I’m disappointed it doesn’t involve naked people doing things I’ve never even heard of much less done, but I do worry that someone might call the Better Business Bureau about false advertising.
7. The Kama Sutra of Quilting
Category: Entertainment
Put some spice back in your quilting life with hundreds of positions based upon your favorite quilting blocks! Start with the Bow Tie, then try the Churn Dash. Work your way up to more advanced positions such as Irish Chain and Road to California. And now you can share your progress on Twitter and Facebook!
Should I buy it? Well, now I know what all those strange Facebook posts from Helen were all about. Apparently she did the Double Pinwheel this morning and gave it five out of five stars. That’s more than I really wanted to know about Helen, but I suppose this could be fun for quilters who still have both their original hips and husbands who can be pried away from the TV once in a while.
8. Angry Quilters
Category: Games
The survival of the Angry Quilters is at stake. A group of renegade knitters has invaded the Quilt Shop and taken over the classroom with their stupid string and dumb old pointy sticks. Use the unique destructive powers of the Angry Quilters to destroy the knitters’ forts and return the Quilt Shop to its rightful owners. Each of the 987 levels requires logic, skill, and the stone cold badassery that can only come from years of hardcore quiltmaking.
Should I buy it? Die! Die, you stupid bitch. What? Leave me alone; I’m almost through level 257. Stop looking over my shoulder. Oh, now, SEE WHAT YOU DID? Do you WANT me to stab you with my seam ripper? No? Then leave me alone until I finish this level. God. Kids.
9. Quilt Ninja
Category: Games
Enjoy hours of slicing and dicing fiber fun. Slash through gorgeous quilts you could never in a million years piece much less quilt in I'm A Jealous Bitch mode, or upload your own hideous creations in Why Couldn't I Pick Up A Nice Easy Hobby Like Flower Arranging or Scrapbooking mode. And now, you can work to unlock the special Vaginas Don't Belong On Quilts mode, where you can slash and destroy those so-called "art" quilts that claim to be making a statement about homelessness or farm subsidies, but are really just an excuse to put a vagina on a quilt. (Also available in Penis and Twilight.)
Should I buy it? Well, I'm certainly for anything that lets me pretend to take a blade to one of those nasty, nudie quilts like the ones Aurora Blankenship is always trying to put in the local quilt shows. She's such a bitch when I do it for real and your dad said next time he wasn't going to post bail.
10. Quilter's Calculator
Category: Arts and Crafts
Sure any old quilter's app can calculate how many yards of backing fabric you need, but can they also tell you how many shots of tequila you'll need to finish that Cathedral Windows project? How long does it take for the seizures to subside after putting together one of those no-contrast, mongo-print "modern" patterns that quilt magazines keep barfing out? How many times can you email pictures of your boobs to Ricky Tims before he files a restraining order? This is a real world calculator for real world quilters!
Should I buy it? If it can tell me how many times a woman of a certain age can do the Double Pinwheel before she has to stop to take an extra hit of blood pressure medication, then yes.
*You all know this isn't really my mom, right? And that these aren't real apps? Just checking.
I already had an iPod Touch (naturally), and so had delved into the world of quilting apps just a bit. But I really got going when I got my iPad, but there were so many to choose from, and, being the busy, on-the-go mom and writer that I am, I just didn't have time to go through them all and look at the reviews and decide which ones would work well for me. So, I asked my own personal mom* to help out by testing the top ten quilter's apps and giving me her honest opinion on whether I should buy them. Thanks, Mom!
1. Quilter’s Excuses
Category: Anti-productivity
You know how uncomfortable it is when the head of one of the umpteen committees at your quilt guild gets up in front of the room to shame everyone into participating in something for once in their damn lives? Have you run out of creative and believable excuses for getting out of, say, organizing the library or bribing the community center security guard so no one gets booted for sneaking in Schnapps and beer? This handy app generates a random excuse guaranteed to keep even the most determined committee organizer from roping you into something boring.
Should I buy it? Yes, but if you tell anyone I said so I’ll deny it.
2. Does This Fabric Combo Suck?
Category: Self-Help
This app is for all those nervous Nellies who can’t bear to come up with their own fabric choices for their quilts. If you are utterly dependent on your LQS to have exactly the same fabrics that are displayed in the sample quilt and are tired of people trying to explain the color wheel to you, look no further. Simply take a photo of two or more fabrics and the app will tell you whether they look totally stupid together.
Should I buy it? Absolutely. If it prevents even one person from hogging the cutting table while fretting over eighteen bolts of fabric, trying to pick the one that could replace the only Moda fabric the store doesn’t have in stock, it will have done its job admirably. And yes, I’m talking about you, dear.
3. Quilt Humor Finder
Category: Entertainment
Love to quilt? Love to laugh? This handy app brings all the best quilting-related humor from print and the web together to keep you in stitches!
Should I buy it? Good heavens, no. For one thing, there is no such thing as “quilt-related humor,” and if there were I wouldn’t read it. Quilting is very, very serious and is only practiced by people of high morals and sterling character. Like politicians and teen pop stars.
4. Wonky Blocks
Category: How-To
“Wonky” blocks are all the rage in quilting today: wonky log cabins, wonky stars, wonky geese—even wonky Drunkard’s Path! With videos and step-by-step instructions, this app teaches you how to put the “wonk” in your stitch and churn out bizarre blocks that’ll have your bee buzzing with envy!
Should I buy it? Sure, if you’ve got a spare buck ninety-nine lying around that you just don’t know what to do with. But if you ask me, all you need to make your blocks “wonky” is a box of wine and a blindfold.
5. LQS Locator
Category: Travel
No matter where you are in the country, now you can find all the nearest quilt shops and get maps and driving directions, links to websites, and even special coupons from participating shops!
Should I buy it? Are they trying to suggest that there are actually some quilters out there who cannot track down a quilt shop by scent alone? I once found a quilt shop by closing my eyes and listening for the unmistakable sound of drool dripping on cotton. I suppose this is meant for new quilters who haven’t yet learned to pull into the nearest strip mall as soon as they get that "special tingle." What are you giggling about? The tingle is in your fingers. For heaven's sake.
6. Quilt Porn
Category: Art and Photography
A compendium of all the best quilt photography on the web.
Should I buy it? Call me old fashioned, but in my day, the word “porn” meant something your husband hid under the mattress, not a bunch of pictures of quilts. It’s not that I’m disappointed it doesn’t involve naked people doing things I’ve never even heard of much less done, but I do worry that someone might call the Better Business Bureau about false advertising.
7. The Kama Sutra of Quilting
Category: Entertainment
Put some spice back in your quilting life with hundreds of positions based upon your favorite quilting blocks! Start with the Bow Tie, then try the Churn Dash. Work your way up to more advanced positions such as Irish Chain and Road to California. And now you can share your progress on Twitter and Facebook!
Should I buy it? Well, now I know what all those strange Facebook posts from Helen were all about. Apparently she did the Double Pinwheel this morning and gave it five out of five stars. That’s more than I really wanted to know about Helen, but I suppose this could be fun for quilters who still have both their original hips and husbands who can be pried away from the TV once in a while.
8. Angry Quilters
Category: Games
The survival of the Angry Quilters is at stake. A group of renegade knitters has invaded the Quilt Shop and taken over the classroom with their stupid string and dumb old pointy sticks. Use the unique destructive powers of the Angry Quilters to destroy the knitters’ forts and return the Quilt Shop to its rightful owners. Each of the 987 levels requires logic, skill, and the stone cold badassery that can only come from years of hardcore quiltmaking.
Should I buy it? Die! Die, you stupid bitch. What? Leave me alone; I’m almost through level 257. Stop looking over my shoulder. Oh, now, SEE WHAT YOU DID? Do you WANT me to stab you with my seam ripper? No? Then leave me alone until I finish this level. God. Kids.
9. Quilt Ninja
Category: Games
Enjoy hours of slicing and dicing fiber fun. Slash through gorgeous quilts you could never in a million years piece much less quilt in I'm A Jealous Bitch mode, or upload your own hideous creations in Why Couldn't I Pick Up A Nice Easy Hobby Like Flower Arranging or Scrapbooking mode. And now, you can work to unlock the special Vaginas Don't Belong On Quilts mode, where you can slash and destroy those so-called "art" quilts that claim to be making a statement about homelessness or farm subsidies, but are really just an excuse to put a vagina on a quilt. (Also available in Penis and Twilight.)
Should I buy it? Well, I'm certainly for anything that lets me pretend to take a blade to one of those nasty, nudie quilts like the ones Aurora Blankenship is always trying to put in the local quilt shows. She's such a bitch when I do it for real and your dad said next time he wasn't going to post bail.
10. Quilter's Calculator
Category: Arts and Crafts
Sure any old quilter's app can calculate how many yards of backing fabric you need, but can they also tell you how many shots of tequila you'll need to finish that Cathedral Windows project? How long does it take for the seizures to subside after putting together one of those no-contrast, mongo-print "modern" patterns that quilt magazines keep barfing out? How many times can you email pictures of your boobs to Ricky Tims before he files a restraining order? This is a real world calculator for real world quilters!
Should I buy it? If it can tell me how many times a woman of a certain age can do the Double Pinwheel before she has to stop to take an extra hit of blood pressure medication, then yes.
*You all know this isn't really my mom, right? And that these aren't real apps? Just checking.
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