Wednesday, April 27, 2011

So totally not safe for work. Or my dad.

Last week, I got an email, as I sometimes do, from a reader who wanted my address so she could send me something. But I was particularly excited because this email was from Peggi, and Peggi...gets me. So I knew that whatever Peggi had put in that package, I would love it and I would be compelled to show it to you as soon as possible.

Peggi sent me an ironing board cover. But not just any ironing board cover. No, she sent me a man-slathered, beefcake-encrusted ironing board cover. Meet Mark B.:

According to the packaging, there are two man-options: Marky Mark and a dark-haired specimen known as Richard Kane. So of course all I could think about was why old Marcus Aurelius here only wanted his last initial, whereas Dick was perfectly happy to use his full name. Does Mark feel all cheap and dirty because he allowed his body to be exploited on a piece of ironing board porn, whereas Mr. Kane is hoping someone will Google him and he'll either get work or get lucky? Would Mr. B-Natural be mortified if he were, say, picking up his dry cleaning and someone started squealing, "Oh my god, you're on my ironing board cover!" Cuz Dickie would be all like, "That's right, baby. And have you seen my new line of Tip-n-Strip pens?"

I'm sure Mark is a lovely man in person, but ironing board cover fabric may not be his most flattering medium:

He looks a little wall-eyed, and reminds me a lot of my high school gym teacher, Ms. Wallace. I also think he kinda looks like Owen Wilson if he was retaining a LOT of water or was having some sort of allergic reaction to shellfish or something. Nice pecs, though!

Mark has been provided with a handy towel or drape or something, that has obviously been added later. I wonder why?

Probably someone got all offended and didn't want to see any nasty man bits on their ironing board cover and flooded the ironing board cover manufacturing concern with phone calls demanding that the scary, scary weenies get covered up or no one in the Prudes With 'Tudes Quilt Guild would ever buy one of their covers ever ever again. Honestly, people need to lighten the fuck up. A little junk on an ironing board cover never hurt anyone. Oh, well.

But hey - it turns out it's a MAGIC towel! And when you apply a hot iron...


Clearly, our little Marconi is a European dude, since his piggy still has its blanket (DO NOT LOOK IF HUMAN MALE GENITALIA GIVES YOU ICKY FEELINGS):

Awww. I think it looks a little shy. When I told David what Peggi had sent, his immediate question was whether or not the B-man was at full wood or just partway or not at all. I don't think Magic Marker found being laid out and photographed for the prurient delight of middle aged women very arousing. I think he may have gone home after the photo shoot and questioned his life choices. Which of course just makes me that much more fond of him. So, Mark, if you're out there - you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're beautiful, baby. But that Richard is a man-slut and everybody knows it.

Peggi says that if you want one of your own (and you know you do) you can get them from Susan Zerbe of SueBee's Designs. To make arrangements you can email her at srzerbe (at) earthlink (dot) net if you want to buy one. 

And if you do, and you get Richard, I want photos.

No comments: