Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Things

Things That Made Me Happy This Morning

1. Hearing "Walking On Broken Glass" while I was at the grocery store. I swear, this comes on the Muzak system every single time I am at the grocery store, and I am certain it's code for "broken pickle jars in aisle 6."

2. Noticing that the loaf of Italian bread I bought is made by a company called "Schmidt." Also, it reminded me of when I first started, um, associating with my husband and the first time we needed a condom, he whipped out a pack of Schmid brand rubbers, and I was all "Schmid? Seriously? Where on earth did you get those?" and he wasn't sure, and I was all "What do you mean, you're not sure? How can you not know where you got a bunch of rubbers no one has ever heard of?" and he was guessing maybe the Peace Corps, and I kicked his ass out of bed and made him drive to the 7-Eleven and get some goddamned Trojans. Well, really. Schmid?*

3. Seeing how happy Harper was to be spending the day with her little sister at daycare. She begged to be able to go, and Devon's daycare provider, Miss Aleace, said it was okay, though she is really only set up for toddlers. I thought it was just her usual I-want-to-do-whatever-Devon-is-doing-or-play-with-whatever-Devon-has-syndrome, but then she confessed that she just wanted to play with Aleace's dog, Cookie. For 6 hours. I might have questioned this, but it meant that I could drive home while blasting the White Stripes, and then spend my morning watching Drag Me to Hell on DVD while sewing my half-square triangles, so I shut the hell up and told her to have a great day.

Things That Pissed Me Off This Morning

A woman hit the back of my car as I was stopped at a red light, and when I looked in my rear view mirror at her, she was making the "what the fuck is wrong with you" look back at me. Like I made her forget how to brake. I suppose I should learn how to control that particular superpower, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet.  I am not one of those people who feels compelled to stop traffic so I can deal with a little dent, so I motioned to her that I was going to pull over at the next street, and when I did, she just drove away. Which was probably smart, since my car was undamaged, BUT SHE SCRAPED UP MY DON'T DRINK AND QUILT BUMPER STICKER.  So if you see a woman with ratty hair driving a puke-colored Chevy Nova, with bits of my bumper sticker clinging to her front license plate, feel free to key her car or slash her tires. Tell her you're a representative of the new group I'm forming: QUAID. Quilters Against Idiot Drivers.


*Update: turns out Julius Schmid (he dropped the "t" to appear less Jewish) was a rubber baron, of sorts. He started, according to Wikipedia, one of the longest lasting condom companies and supplied rubbers to the Allied troops in Europe during the first World War. He also made condoms that could be reused, which was  handy during the hard times of the depression, as well as thoroughly disgusting.

24 comments:

cockermom said...

LMAO, Have I told you lately that I love you? Quilters Against Idiot Drivers? Priceless!
Donnie

Nancy said...

will you be making bumper stickers for QAID? cause I would need one...

quiltzyx said...

Thanks for starting my work-day off having to keep my laughing to a dull roar Megan!
When did you say the "Quilters Against Idiot Drivers" bumper stickers will be ready?

Linda said...

Let's just keep this simple, shall we? You are a f*****g RIOT! I sooo needed this laugh today! BTW, have you seen all the condoms and pregnancy tests -- yes, right next to each other -- at the dollar stores? Who buys EITHER of these items at a dollar store?!

Stormy Days said...

I'm going to have the thought of reuseable condoms in my head all day now. Things like, How thick would that have to be? Could you run it through the dishwasher?

Peggi said...

Oooh that reminded me of a joke. Do you know how to recycle a used condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

I vote for making up the bumper stickers - I'll get several and pass them out to all my quilting friends!

Betsy Lynn said...

OMG..I love you!
Get that bumper sticker made and save one for me.

Beth said...

I stopped reading at "longest lasting condom..." cause I couldn't get all the possibilities for advertising out of my head...

Heather in Denver said...

Apparently Schmid was the king of condoms - no foolin'

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/theymadeamerica/whomade/schmid_lo.html

Megan said...

See the update at the end of the post

wordmama said...

Thanks for a fabulous post! I will be laughing myself to sleep tonight over this one!

Sarah Craig said...

Thanks, Megan!! I laughed out loud so hard that my husband and my nieces think I've lost my mind!! My husband thinking that is ok, he knows me too well, but I had my nieces fooled until now...... ;-)

Anonymous said...

so what I want to know is, were the 'Schmid' condoms leftovers from WWI or the Depression?
p2w

QuiltSwissy said...

LOL. Did anyone notice that the link address Heather left was: They made America?

Everything is funnier than the next!

I also need a case of those QUAID Bumper stickers......

glen

Thomas said...

Heh - "rubber baron". I see what you did there!

crowefan0517 said...

Love the White Stripes!! Saw them in concert at Madison Square Garden a few years back. Also love your blog, I know I'm going to laugh at some point every single time I read a new entry.

-debby, Chester NY

Shady said...

LMAO - QUAID - I must join and am requesting a tee-shirt, a bumper sticker, a keychain, etc., etc....

Megan said...

Thank you, Thomas. I was rather pleased with that, though I'm sure it's been used a million times.

Julie said...

Oh no, not THE sticker. Love the QAID idea too.

As for the re-using bit, ick, the ultimate in recycling I suppose.

Anonymous said...

Deborah says:

I, too, sooooo needed this today.

I was actually thinking of getting a t-shirt made....

Front: Have you noticed?

Back: The world is FULL of STUPID people!

But, Quilters Against Idiot Drivers would say it just as well.

Save me a bumper sticker!

Cindi said...

Thank you for making me laugh after two really hard, depressing days. They should bottle and prescribe you: Take one post every 24 hours as needed to induce a smile.

PS, you can also put me on the list for a QUAID bumper sticker.....

Jane said...

OMG Meg you crack me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brenda said...

hahahahahaha - hilarious post that I much enjoyed reading when I'm supposed to be cleaning the house from top to bottom since my family is coming to stay this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Stormy Days said "reuseable condoms ....Could you run it through the dishwasher?"

EWWWW I don't think it would be a good idea EVEN if you could ==GGGRRRRRR OOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS==

gives new meaning to "wash the fuckin' dishes"