My bio

In this month's issue of the magazine I work for, I will be officially introduced to the readers in the "Publisher's Letter." They have asked me to write up what I would like to say about myself, and this is what I have composed:

At the start of the new year, we welcomed a new face to the team. Megan XXX joined us as assistant editor. A graduate of XXX College, Megan has made the XXX area her home for over 20 years, and now resides in XXX with her husband and two daughters. Megan says that working in publishing "fulfills my two greatest passions: writing and slashing through grammatical errors with a red pen." When she's not subduing dangling participles or wrangling two small children, she can usually be found at her sewing table, calling her sewing machine a "cock-sucking piece of shit" or ripping out seams while drinking heavily. She would like all potential freelancers who may submit work to the magazine to know that she is a kind and benevolent editor until crossed, and then she will secretly turn your articles into incantations which raise the dead and cause suppurating pustules. Besides writing, editing, sewing, her children, Dr. Pepper, cooking, freshwater aquariums, and the TV series Ghost Hunters, her greatest passion is her blog, which we will not name here because it is a filthy and ridiculous waste of time and nothing a respectable publication would want to be associated with. Megan says that she is "thrilled to be a part of the XXX team and I'm looking forward to a long and happy career here, as long as the people I work for continue to show no signs of being crazy whackjobs."

Can't wait to see it in print!