Monday, March 29, 2010

Now with 80% less profanity!

I promised I would show you some of my recent fabric acquisitions, and since the quilt I am currently working on is making me want to throw myself in front of a bus, perhaps my time would be better spent looking at uncut yardage, unspoiled by my incompetent stitchery.

First, I got myself some yardage of the Authentic line from Moda.

Then I loaded up on some pre-cuts. Two packs of Oz charm squares, a layer cake and a jelly roll of Hunky Dory, and a Bali Pop in Kiwiberry.

We also checked out a shop in Franklin, south of Nashville, called The Quilt Squares (oooh, there's those colored words again!), where I picked up some yardage of Bloom and Grow:

I also got a stack of fat quarters in black and grey, but I can't show you those, because Blogger is being rude right now.

My last little treasure was a jelly roll of some Moda fabric that I have long coveted, and which my sister gave me from her own stash. It was this that I planned to use for the quilt that I will give to the wonderful person who gave me a plane ticket to go see my brother. I borrowed a pattern as well, a pattern that can be seen in one of her quilts from the previous post, and one which she said was quite easy despite how hard it looks. It involves triangles, but no Y-seams. I have spent the last two weeks painstakingly cutting all the pieces for this quilt and today I attempted to assemble them into rows.

After ripping them apart and sewing them back together 1200 times, I then scooped everything into a ball, stuffed it down the sink, and turned on the garbage disposal. Then I took what was left and stabbed it repeatedly with a large chef's knife, then drove it to the nearest overpass and threw the pieces onto unsuspecting cars.

So instead of an actual quilt, she'll be getting a work of performance art, entitled Easy, My Ass.

Hope she likes it!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I am TOO a good blogger...

...Jake and Melissa said so.

Now before I tell you what that means, let me address the many comments and emails I have received taking me to task for not identifying each and every quilt pattern represented in the photographs of my sister's quilts that I posted a couple days ago. Apparently, a GOOD BLOGGER would have told you the name of the pattern, the designer, the names of every fabric used therein, the type of batting, what brand of sewing machine was used to make it, and what specific expletives my sister used any time she made a mistake and had to rip out seams and start over ("thunderchoad", "assbucket", and "dirty whore douche licker").

Whenever anyone has asked me for the name of a specific pattern, I have done the following three things:

1. Clicked on the picture to see it full size.

2. Read the name (if available in that picture).

3. Googled it.

And TA DA! The name of the quilt pattern, the designer, and dozens of places to purchase it!

But what really got me giggling over all this were the emails I received that said I really should have given you the contact information about the quilt shop itself (where my sister works). I DID! It's called a link, you silly gooses! Go back to the last post and look at the sentence where I told you my sister works in a quilt shop. See how the words "quilt shop" are a different color? Try clicking on those two words. Go ahead! It won't break the internet!

Whoops! Did you get scared? I'm still here. That was the website for The Quilter's Attic, the shop where my sister works. I am sorry that they do not have online ordering available, but they do have a phone! But don't leave a message - I can't guarantee that anyone knows how to access it. Oh, hey, y'all should get along real good then!

Awww, c'mon, baby. You know I love you.

In other news, the April May issue of Quilter's Home magazine has finally hit the newsstands and to everyone who has come here to this blog today as a result of that issue, I sincerely apologize for using the profanity you read in the earlier paragraph. That was not like me at all, and if you read through my archives, you will discover that I am really a mild-mannered wisp of a girl, dedicated to bringing only love and joy to my 7 or 8 regular readers.

Seriously. I'm a bucket of fucking sunshine. Ask anyone.

I am very excited about this issue because it has my longest (and, I think, best) article to date, called "A Brief History of Quilting." And just to whet your appetite, I will tell you that the opening page of this piece prominently features a large photograph of a yak!

The other article I am excited about was not written by me, but is a compendium of 55 awesome quilting blogs - mine included. Now I love quilt blogs, and craft blogs, and I know I would never have gotten to where I am as a quilter (marginally competent) without the online resources provided by bloggers. The blogging community is huge, but at the same time, one can find friends there so easily just by putting words and work online for everyone to see. I have said many, many times that blogging changed my life, and I would bet that is true for a lot of the bloggers in this article. If you need some inspiration for your quilts, your crafts, or your blog, do check out this list. And then go write the editors (the aforementioned Jake and Melissa) and tell them I'm a bucket of fucking sunshine.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

F**k Cancer


Did you miss me? I sure as hell missed you, and I hope to be back on my game here, posting with alarming frequency. I was able to visit with my brother recently, and while I still spend a good portion of each day crying hysterically, I have also learned a great deal about taking life by the horns and not letting go. Thus abandoning my beloved blog is simply not going to happen. Never give up the things you love, and never let go of the people you love. You feel me?

NOW THEN. My sister works in a quilt shop in Goodlettsville, just north of Nashville, and so while I was there I got to spend oodles of time in the shop after hours. Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing, NOTHING, as cool as having a quilt shop all to yourself. No one in my way, stepping on my feet, leaving gaseous odors right in the areas where I need to browse (this happens ALL THE TIME), or grabbing the last batik fat quarter in just the shade of purple I need to complete my project. I do so hate having to smack those people around.

Being in the shop was particularly cool, because for the first time, I got to see so many of the quilts that my sister makes for display. And not just because it was the first time in many, many years I had been to Tennessee, but also because my sister - whom I love dearly - cannot pick up a camera, take some shots, upload them to her computer, and email them to a beloved relative. The woman is still holding onto shots from last June IN HER CAMERA. If she wants to show you her motorcycle trip to the southwest, she has to hand you the camera. GOD, I adore her.

So now, Kelly, if you ever want to show someone your quilts, you can direct them here. Oh, wait, you don't know how to do that either. OOOOH, YOU ARE JUST SO CUTE.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE UP TO, PEOPLE? The only thing that soothes my ego when I look at these pictures is that I know how to access the voicemail on my cellphone AND SHE DOESN'T. You can't be better than me at everything, Kelly.

The one thing I regret not photographing while I was there was her fabric stash. Holy mother of bias tape, you have never seen such stacks. Well, okay, maybe you have, but I haven't. AND I got to sleep in the same room as all that fabric, underneath even more of her gorgeous quilts. By the time I got home I was so hot to get to my sewing machine, I barely remembered to say hello to the children.

I'm pretty sure I have exceeded the limit for the reasonable number of photos in one blog post, so I'll save the pictures of what I purchased for next time. Sadly, there will not be as many pictures, but probably just as many all caps, IF NOT MORE.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Time out

Dear readers,

Many, if not most, of you know that my brother has recently been diagnosed with brain cancer. Things are not looking good, and I am flying to Nashville this weekend to see him.

I am going to take a break from writing The Bitchy Stitcher for a while. I had been looking forward to posting more often, and I will keep that as my goal, but for the short term, I need to focus on other things. I don't know if this hiatus will be for only a few weeks or longer.

I will continue to update the Its Cherry Pie blog, as that is my therapy right now. I may post some pics from time to time, if I manage to get any sewing done.

Thank you all for your prayers, good wishes, and e-hugs. They have sustained me in a way I never expected. I hope to laugh with you all here again when I return.